So, we had my son's baptism on Sunday, and it went pretty well. We had it at a Catholic church, but my wife has no intention of staying at a place which does not accept our family (aka our future family).
Anyhow, it's getting rather difficult to deal with the in-laws, the direct ones anyway. I thought things weren't going too bad on Sunday, when they came over for a party afterward.
Now, before I tell you what was said, let me explain the relationship I have with my friends. I have a group of great friends, all of whom are very accepting of me. We are all like brothers and sisters. During the course of the party, I sat on my one female friend's lap, and another female friend, and a male friend and I made a sandwich on the couch. It's just how we are. We're all very comfortable with each other, and know that the love we have is sibling, not otherwise.
Well, come Sunday night, my sister-in-law is texting my wife, and tells her how "inappropriate" my behavior was, and how she would never stand for it if she caught her boyfriend sitting on another girl's lap. Well, I'm sorry you have trust issues (major trust issues btw, I wish I was kidding), but that's just the kind of friendship we have.
To sum up what she said, she basically told my wife that she should have been offended and told me to knock it off. Well, my wife didn't like that, and told her off. She hasn't heard from her sister since.
Then, the next morning, she is telling her mom how her sister acted, and her mom said that she and my father-in-law felt the same way. Well, my wife went off on her too, saying that it is our house, and our friends, and they cannot tell us how to act in our home.
I'm just about done with them honestly. You say nasty things about me, treat me like a criminal, and I still treat you like family, I am friendly towards you, I invite you to my home, and this is the thanks I get? Unbelievable. Well, their strikes are running thin if you ask me. If they say the wrong thing, they might never set foot in my house again, and I know how my wife feels about everything. They are stepping on shaky ground.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Reflections pt 2
I guess it's been a little while since I updated. I had meant to update only a few days after my last post, but things got busy. Since then, Thanksgiving came and went, and it's now December. I have to say, Thanksgiving went fairly well. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but we went to my wife's house for the holiday, and I wasn't feeling all too comfortable at first. However, my FIL and MIL were pretty cordial about everything. My SIL, well, she said some things to my wife that got back to me, but I'm starting to see that she has had a problem with me since before I came out. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised. But, those kind of people, well, they just need to face reality. Yes, the situation isn't ideal, but it's not going to change if she wants it to. Oh well.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Reflections pt. 1
So, it's been a little while since I updated, and not much has changed. Still going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, not expecting anything special from them.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
...
I wanted to rant about my in-laws again, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just upset, about what I'm doing to everyone. I was just on a transgender community website, one I've been using since I came out. Here's my post:
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Keeping up
So, things are changing again. My wife is going to Jersey this weekend to see her family, but then she has to be back by Sunday midday. We have to go to a baptism seminar, as our son is going to be baptized on the 17th (yes, of November). It's rather soon, but it was the only time my wife could have it done without it being close to Christmas (December) or chance the weather (January or February).
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Changes coming my way
So, yesterday my wife got a call from her mom, and said she wanted all three of us (my wife, my son, and I) to come out for Thanksgiving. This is a large step, considering they didn't want to see me or talk to me at all.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I'm glad they're taking a step towards accepting me (that's not going to happen this visit), but it's difficult knowing all the things they said about me, and the fact that they tried to get me and my wife to split up.
The other thing that bothers me is my sister in law. She made some pretty nasty accusations towards me after I came out, and I don't think I can forgive those. Not to mention, the relationship between her and I was a complete lie. To start, she told my wife right from the start that she thought my wife could do better, and then she felt uncomfortable around me. Then, she made accusations towards me (after I came out) that I was peeking in her room when she was in it and that I was looking through her laundry. Now that we're going for Thanksgiving, she told my wife that she will not be acknowledging me at all, pretending I'm not even there. At least my wife's parents are trying, but I don't think I will ever have a decent relationship with her sister, especially after everything she said.
That's all for now. We'll see how things go next month.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I'm glad they're taking a step towards accepting me (that's not going to happen this visit), but it's difficult knowing all the things they said about me, and the fact that they tried to get me and my wife to split up.
The other thing that bothers me is my sister in law. She made some pretty nasty accusations towards me after I came out, and I don't think I can forgive those. Not to mention, the relationship between her and I was a complete lie. To start, she told my wife right from the start that she thought my wife could do better, and then she felt uncomfortable around me. Then, she made accusations towards me (after I came out) that I was peeking in her room when she was in it and that I was looking through her laundry. Now that we're going for Thanksgiving, she told my wife that she will not be acknowledging me at all, pretending I'm not even there. At least my wife's parents are trying, but I don't think I will ever have a decent relationship with her sister, especially after everything she said.
That's all for now. We'll see how things go next month.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Ok, it's been some time since I last updated, so here's what's happening.
Things are great at home. My wife and I are officially staying together. It took some time for her to decide what she wanted to do, but she feels she can accept me as a woman just as much as she can a man. Our little guy is six months old, and growing taller by the day. He's a little behind on weight, but that's ok. As for me, I'm dressing around the house while my wife is away, but she allows me to wear pajamas to bed, and my underwear under my regular clothing.
I still haven't spoken to my in-laws since July. I'm actually not ready to talk to them about anything yet, so I'm okay with that right now. It still hurts to have been dropped so easily from "family." On that note, the rest of my wife's family has been pretty good. Two of her aunts support us, and her grandmother even went out and got books that her doctor recommended, and she supports us as well. In fact, she told my wife that she needs to let me change so this doesn't destroy me from the inside out. That was the sweetest things I heard that day.
That's about all for now. Kinda tired. Think I'll lay down for a bit and then get some more stuff done around the house.
Things are great at home. My wife and I are officially staying together. It took some time for her to decide what she wanted to do, but she feels she can accept me as a woman just as much as she can a man. Our little guy is six months old, and growing taller by the day. He's a little behind on weight, but that's ok. As for me, I'm dressing around the house while my wife is away, but she allows me to wear pajamas to bed, and my underwear under my regular clothing.
I still haven't spoken to my in-laws since July. I'm actually not ready to talk to them about anything yet, so I'm okay with that right now. It still hurts to have been dropped so easily from "family." On that note, the rest of my wife's family has been pretty good. Two of her aunts support us, and her grandmother even went out and got books that her doctor recommended, and she supports us as well. In fact, she told my wife that she needs to let me change so this doesn't destroy me from the inside out. That was the sweetest things I heard that day.
That's about all for now. Kinda tired. Think I'll lay down for a bit and then get some more stuff done around the house.
Monday, September 9, 2013
So, my wife has been struggling a little with whether or not she wants to stay still. I don't blame her, it's a very difficult decision to make. I asked her yesterday if she'd be able to make the decision before we tried for another kid, which she said yes to.
She went off to work yesterday afternoon, and I was home with our son. I struggled to get him to bed before she got home, and all efforts were in vain as he was still awake when she got home at 10:15, not long before I had to leave for work.
I made my lunch quickly and rushed up to say goodbye to them. My wife was playing with my son (who was now wide awake because he'd seen Mommy). I walked over to them and kissed them both goodbye. And my wife said, "come on [my son], she has to go to work." I stopped in my tracks. It was the first time my wife had ever referred to me as female. I looked at her and knew I had a small smile forming. "Really," I asked. She smiled and nodded. Had I been on HRT, I probably would have broken down and cried right there. I almost cried, I was so happy. She was staying!!!
Today was even better. We went to the mall this morning, and I held the first door opened for her, saying "go ahead sweetie." She went in and opened the second door, and said "after you, wife." My heart was beating so fast, I was so happy. Despite me obviously being a man, she referred to me as her wife, and in front of a stranger who happened to be walking through the other doors. I was so touched. She even was telling my son that "Maddy" had to do this, or "go to Maddy."
I know you're going to read this hunny. Thank you so much! I love you so very, very much.
She went off to work yesterday afternoon, and I was home with our son. I struggled to get him to bed before she got home, and all efforts were in vain as he was still awake when she got home at 10:15, not long before I had to leave for work.
I made my lunch quickly and rushed up to say goodbye to them. My wife was playing with my son (who was now wide awake because he'd seen Mommy). I walked over to them and kissed them both goodbye. And my wife said, "come on [my son], she has to go to work." I stopped in my tracks. It was the first time my wife had ever referred to me as female. I looked at her and knew I had a small smile forming. "Really," I asked. She smiled and nodded. Had I been on HRT, I probably would have broken down and cried right there. I almost cried, I was so happy. She was staying!!!
Today was even better. We went to the mall this morning, and I held the first door opened for her, saying "go ahead sweetie." She went in and opened the second door, and said "after you, wife." My heart was beating so fast, I was so happy. Despite me obviously being a man, she referred to me as her wife, and in front of a stranger who happened to be walking through the other doors. I was so touched. She even was telling my son that "Maddy" had to do this, or "go to Maddy."
I know you're going to read this hunny. Thank you so much! I love you so very, very much.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Not ready, not yet
So, my wife was on Skype yesterday with my in-laws. I was walking around the house doing some cleaning, as my in-laws and I are currently not talking (not my choice). One time I walked past my wife and saw my mother-in-law on the screen, and the feeling hit.
I realized, when I saw her, that I'm not ready to talk to them yet. Now, they're the ones who are currently "not speaking" to me, but I hadn't realized until just last night that the feelings of betrayal inside of me were so strong. While I "betrayed" them by coming out, they're betrayal with me is worse, since I was "family" before all of this.
I guess I need to work on these feelings before I talk to them, whenever that is.
I realized, when I saw her, that I'm not ready to talk to them yet. Now, they're the ones who are currently "not speaking" to me, but I hadn't realized until just last night that the feelings of betrayal inside of me were so strong. While I "betrayed" them by coming out, they're betrayal with me is worse, since I was "family" before all of this.
I guess I need to work on these feelings before I talk to them, whenever that is.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
In-laws
You know, it's funny the things you find out about yourself when someone who loves you, someone who considers you family, suddenly turns hostile on you. Recently, my wife: dear, loving and faithful, despite my impending transition, had it out with her mom, and finally last night with her dad.
First, I have reconsidered my chosen name. I've decided on Korgalash Con Bligorph. Yes, you read right. Considering I'm not human, I decided on something more appropriate. If you don't believe me, just ask my father-in-law. As quoted, he cannot accept "he, she, it..." Real nice for someone who used to consider me his son. Now, in all realism, that would've changed anyway, but I'm not even sure I'm on the family tree anymore. My father-in-law (FIL) had no opinion, but my mother-in-law (MIL) insists I'm still family. However...
When my wife had it out with my MIL, it was brought up that they should have been there for me, since I'm going through a hard time. (Granted, so were they, and while I understand their reaction, them talking to me would have been nice.) My wife brought up the fact that my in-laws always taught her "family comes first," at which my MIL countered with "there are exceptions." Well, now we can teach our children values, but make exceptions to the rule when it's convenient. Really goes along with the whole "do as I say, not as I do" rule. Are there exceptions to that too?
Next, of course, is the fact that I'm an embarrassment to the family (said by my FIL, which I suppose means I'm still part of it.) My wife is also considered an embarrassment, for staying with me. Real nice, right? Now, does that, in turn, make our 5 month old son an embarrassment as well, considering he was born to us? Probably. Of course, that would be the exception, until of course he begins to express how he loves both his mommy and his maddy. Then he'll just be an embarrassment for loving the embarrassments.
On top of being an embarrassment, my oh-so-closed-minded (and apparently ignorant) FIL told my wife that no one from her family will want to see her or us anymore because of me. I bring this point up because, before he talked to my wife (over a month and a half ago) we got calls from some of her family expressing support. Obviously, my FIL things everyone he's related to is just as closed minded as they are.
My FIL also brought up the oh so ignorant view much of America has: by staying together with my transition, we're going to ruin our son. Ah yes, oh so many children are ruined by transgendered parents and same sex couples. I mean, there are so many more children out there who are better off than our son will be: children with abusive parents, those with divorcing, arguing parents, those whose fathers left them because they didn't love them, children who live on the street, those who are neglected because they have six siblings, all of whom were born to get money from the government, and last but not least, those who never knew their father at all.
Now, to that last point, of single mothers, here's an argument which makes absolutely no sense, and I hope you see it before I have to spell it out. I was criticized (as was expected) for lying throughout our relationship, getting married (which I will bring up again in the next paragraph), etc. Of course, of all the terrible stuff I could do, I also brought a child into the world, no less, I "brought a boy into this." Now, I hope you see my point which makes my FIL's argument completely void, as to the extent that if my wife and I divorced, she would be a single mom. So... spelling it out, which is worse? A boy raised by two women, or raised by a single mom? Take your pick.
Getting to our marriage, it was also thrown in my wife's face about how her father is still paying for our wedding... ... K? And? ... OH! You mean like it was a waste? Um.... wait, now I'm lost. Did you want us to get divorced or not? Because, and maybe I'm not looking at it with the "that little SOB is doing something I don't agree with" glasses, but my wife and I are still married, so technically the wedding was not a waste. If we get divorced, THEN it would be a waste of money.
Speaking of weddings, words seem to get mixed up when people are angry at someone. Bring forward the witnesses: angry MIL, wife, transgender goofball that caused all this. Witness one, is it true that you were invited to the wedding of a friend of witness two and three? Yes. Ok. Now, when witness three came out as transgender, were you still going to the wedding? Yes. Witness three, were you going to the wedding after you came out? No, I didn't think it would be a good idea to create drama while we were there. I opted out of going. Witness two, what was your opinion of this? I didn't think it was fair of witness three to miss our friends' wedding, and I told witness one that. But witness three still wasn't going. Witness one, what happened after that? We decided not to go if he was going, so we said no to the wedding.... Uh... Your honor, a recess please? The prosecution is confused.
So, with everything going on, my father and I theorized one day that me coming out was just the big target my in-laws were waiting for. That, despite how they acted around me, they really didn't mean the things they said (we love you, you're like a son to us, you're family now, etc.). Well, theory proved!
Both my MIL and FIL were heard saying that "it's not fair to us that you moved all the way out to Pennsylvania" (MIL) and "----- gets everything he wants. He got you to move out there with him" (FIL). Oh yes, apparently, as predicted, EVERYTHING started when my wife and I got job offers and she moved out here to live with my parents and I. And now, it's no longer fair because my parents "get [my wife] and [our son] all to themselves, and my in-laws only get them part time." Well, my in-laws have come up here to PA maybe 5 times in the 4 years my wife has lived with me. So, maybe if they'd made some effort, like they do every weekend in order to get to New York to go to their camper, maybe they would see their grandson more often. But now, of course, I have to leave my house if they want to come visit, because they are (giggle, snort, laugh). Sorry, it's funny. They're convinced that they will never have to see me again for the rest of their lives. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, it makes me laugh. I can take being out of my house for a day. You know, I could spend time with my real friends and family, maybe do some trans things, whatever. BUT, I'd have to be dead to miss my son's graduation, or his wedding, or sporting events, the birth of a grandchild, etc. etc. etc. So you know what, get the F--- over it, learn to act civil, or just accept that you will never see your grandson or daughter again.
Oh yeah, glad I said that, because that reminded me of something. So, apparently, in addition to the statement by my FIL in the above paragraph, there was more. And I quote: "----- gets everything he wants. He got you to move out there with him, his parents get you, he gets to have you, and he gets [our son]. He's just making a wedge between you and your family, and we're the ones that suffer for it." SCREEEEEEEEECH. Brake check! Whoa, what did that son b---- say? Wedge between...? Oh no he didn't.
Yes, apparently I'm controlling. ... ... Nothing? Oh, right, you don't know me. Well, even though you don't know me as a person, doesn't it say something that I was prepared to lose my family in order to transition? Yeah, I'm controlling. Ask any of my friends, and 1 of them might tell you I'm controlling (in which case I'd have bash him, because he's clearly talking about the wrong person.) My wife's decision to stay with me had nothing to do with me "controlling" her. Far from it. Even though it hurt to say, I told her to do whatever she felt she needed to do. If she needed to leave me in order to live the rest of her life, I was ready to accept it as a consequence. So you know what Daddio (he'd kill me if he heard me say that), take off your stupid "my son-in-law, or it, is a controlling little nimrod" glasses and get the you know what over it.
Oh, and then there's the lies. Like the fact that my wife and I lied during the entirety of our camping trip with them about everything being ok. Yeah, you can have that one. But, what about your lie about going to see a therapist? Yeah, my MIL let my wife have it one day. Conveniently, they were arguing over the phone, and my wife told my MIL that they should go see a therapist to help cope with everything. "That's where we're f---ing going tonight [my wife]." Convenient, right? Well, guess what? That was bull. They didn't go. They even admitted it later in the week. And I'm pretty sure that they're not talking to this transwoman who is at their campground either. Yep, they said they met a transwoman up where their camper is. I think if they were ACTUALLY talking to her, they would have talked to me by now.
Which is another thing. First, apparently things would be different if I had talked to them about my feelings and been open with them while we were at the campground. ... Yeah, right. You're telling me honestly you wouldn't have thrown me out of the campground and disowned me right there? I don't believe it. And, of course, I get in trouble for "not calling to apologize for everything." I see.... I'm supposed to call someone who threatened to "rip my throat out" if he came up to PA? Oh, but according to my MIL, my FIL didn't mean that. It was a figure of speech... That's a new one I haven't heard.
First, I have reconsidered my chosen name. I've decided on Korgalash Con Bligorph. Yes, you read right. Considering I'm not human, I decided on something more appropriate. If you don't believe me, just ask my father-in-law. As quoted, he cannot accept "he, she, it..." Real nice for someone who used to consider me his son. Now, in all realism, that would've changed anyway, but I'm not even sure I'm on the family tree anymore. My father-in-law (FIL) had no opinion, but my mother-in-law (MIL) insists I'm still family. However...
When my wife had it out with my MIL, it was brought up that they should have been there for me, since I'm going through a hard time. (Granted, so were they, and while I understand their reaction, them talking to me would have been nice.) My wife brought up the fact that my in-laws always taught her "family comes first," at which my MIL countered with "there are exceptions." Well, now we can teach our children values, but make exceptions to the rule when it's convenient. Really goes along with the whole "do as I say, not as I do" rule. Are there exceptions to that too?
Next, of course, is the fact that I'm an embarrassment to the family (said by my FIL, which I suppose means I'm still part of it.) My wife is also considered an embarrassment, for staying with me. Real nice, right? Now, does that, in turn, make our 5 month old son an embarrassment as well, considering he was born to us? Probably. Of course, that would be the exception, until of course he begins to express how he loves both his mommy and his maddy. Then he'll just be an embarrassment for loving the embarrassments.
On top of being an embarrassment, my oh-so-closed-minded (and apparently ignorant) FIL told my wife that no one from her family will want to see her or us anymore because of me. I bring this point up because, before he talked to my wife (over a month and a half ago) we got calls from some of her family expressing support. Obviously, my FIL things everyone he's related to is just as closed minded as they are.
My FIL also brought up the oh so ignorant view much of America has: by staying together with my transition, we're going to ruin our son. Ah yes, oh so many children are ruined by transgendered parents and same sex couples. I mean, there are so many more children out there who are better off than our son will be: children with abusive parents, those with divorcing, arguing parents, those whose fathers left them because they didn't love them, children who live on the street, those who are neglected because they have six siblings, all of whom were born to get money from the government, and last but not least, those who never knew their father at all.
Now, to that last point, of single mothers, here's an argument which makes absolutely no sense, and I hope you see it before I have to spell it out. I was criticized (as was expected) for lying throughout our relationship, getting married (which I will bring up again in the next paragraph), etc. Of course, of all the terrible stuff I could do, I also brought a child into the world, no less, I "brought a boy into this." Now, I hope you see my point which makes my FIL's argument completely void, as to the extent that if my wife and I divorced, she would be a single mom. So... spelling it out, which is worse? A boy raised by two women, or raised by a single mom? Take your pick.
Getting to our marriage, it was also thrown in my wife's face about how her father is still paying for our wedding... ... K? And? ... OH! You mean like it was a waste? Um.... wait, now I'm lost. Did you want us to get divorced or not? Because, and maybe I'm not looking at it with the "that little SOB is doing something I don't agree with" glasses, but my wife and I are still married, so technically the wedding was not a waste. If we get divorced, THEN it would be a waste of money.
Speaking of weddings, words seem to get mixed up when people are angry at someone. Bring forward the witnesses: angry MIL, wife, transgender goofball that caused all this. Witness one, is it true that you were invited to the wedding of a friend of witness two and three? Yes. Ok. Now, when witness three came out as transgender, were you still going to the wedding? Yes. Witness three, were you going to the wedding after you came out? No, I didn't think it would be a good idea to create drama while we were there. I opted out of going. Witness two, what was your opinion of this? I didn't think it was fair of witness three to miss our friends' wedding, and I told witness one that. But witness three still wasn't going. Witness one, what happened after that? We decided not to go if he was going, so we said no to the wedding.... Uh... Your honor, a recess please? The prosecution is confused.
So, with everything going on, my father and I theorized one day that me coming out was just the big target my in-laws were waiting for. That, despite how they acted around me, they really didn't mean the things they said (we love you, you're like a son to us, you're family now, etc.). Well, theory proved!
Both my MIL and FIL were heard saying that "it's not fair to us that you moved all the way out to Pennsylvania" (MIL) and "----- gets everything he wants. He got you to move out there with him" (FIL). Oh yes, apparently, as predicted, EVERYTHING started when my wife and I got job offers and she moved out here to live with my parents and I. And now, it's no longer fair because my parents "get [my wife] and [our son] all to themselves, and my in-laws only get them part time." Well, my in-laws have come up here to PA maybe 5 times in the 4 years my wife has lived with me. So, maybe if they'd made some effort, like they do every weekend in order to get to New York to go to their camper, maybe they would see their grandson more often. But now, of course, I have to leave my house if they want to come visit, because they are (giggle, snort, laugh). Sorry, it's funny. They're convinced that they will never have to see me again for the rest of their lives. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, it makes me laugh. I can take being out of my house for a day. You know, I could spend time with my real friends and family, maybe do some trans things, whatever. BUT, I'd have to be dead to miss my son's graduation, or his wedding, or sporting events, the birth of a grandchild, etc. etc. etc. So you know what, get the F--- over it, learn to act civil, or just accept that you will never see your grandson or daughter again.
Oh yeah, glad I said that, because that reminded me of something. So, apparently, in addition to the statement by my FIL in the above paragraph, there was more. And I quote: "----- gets everything he wants. He got you to move out there with him, his parents get you, he gets to have you, and he gets [our son]. He's just making a wedge between you and your family, and we're the ones that suffer for it." SCREEEEEEEEECH. Brake check! Whoa, what did that son b---- say? Wedge between...? Oh no he didn't.
Yes, apparently I'm controlling. ... ... Nothing? Oh, right, you don't know me. Well, even though you don't know me as a person, doesn't it say something that I was prepared to lose my family in order to transition? Yeah, I'm controlling. Ask any of my friends, and 1 of them might tell you I'm controlling (in which case I'd have bash him, because he's clearly talking about the wrong person.) My wife's decision to stay with me had nothing to do with me "controlling" her. Far from it. Even though it hurt to say, I told her to do whatever she felt she needed to do. If she needed to leave me in order to live the rest of her life, I was ready to accept it as a consequence. So you know what Daddio (he'd kill me if he heard me say that), take off your stupid "my son-in-law, or it, is a controlling little nimrod" glasses and get the you know what over it.
Oh, and then there's the lies. Like the fact that my wife and I lied during the entirety of our camping trip with them about everything being ok. Yeah, you can have that one. But, what about your lie about going to see a therapist? Yeah, my MIL let my wife have it one day. Conveniently, they were arguing over the phone, and my wife told my MIL that they should go see a therapist to help cope with everything. "That's where we're f---ing going tonight [my wife]." Convenient, right? Well, guess what? That was bull. They didn't go. They even admitted it later in the week. And I'm pretty sure that they're not talking to this transwoman who is at their campground either. Yep, they said they met a transwoman up where their camper is. I think if they were ACTUALLY talking to her, they would have talked to me by now.
Which is another thing. First, apparently things would be different if I had talked to them about my feelings and been open with them while we were at the campground. ... Yeah, right. You're telling me honestly you wouldn't have thrown me out of the campground and disowned me right there? I don't believe it. And, of course, I get in trouble for "not calling to apologize for everything." I see.... I'm supposed to call someone who threatened to "rip my throat out" if he came up to PA? Oh, but according to my MIL, my FIL didn't mean that. It was a figure of speech... That's a new one I haven't heard.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
looking up
Well, things have been getting better lately. My wife and I have been struggling to take things day by day, but just the other day we read an article recommended to me by my mom. It was about a famous singer who transitioned, and her wife stayed with her. It was comforting to my wife, because she saw that someone else had done it and their marriage survived. Now, we're pretty happy, and we are relaxed at least about my transition.
I'm taking things slowly still. I'm still dressing, but still when my wife is out of the house. She knows about it, but it still makes her a little uncomfortable seeing it. However, she is getting better, as I had complained to her how I couldn't wear my bra out in public under my clothes because it showed. She recommended that I get a sports bra to wear in public. It was very nice of her to help me out. She's also looking at getting a bunch of purses and bags through some deal, and she told me she'll give me a few.
I took a step towards learning some new things, and emailed a hair salon recommended to me by another trans woman. Even though my transition won't start until 2015, I wanted to see if I could get sort of a neutral haircut, or maybe something cute/girly that I can do myself and get rid of easily when I go to work.
A lot of people know now what's going on. Most of my close friends know, and I haven't found any of them who don't support me. Some of my wife's family supports me/us. I still haven't talked to my in-laws for a month and a half now. While I understand how they feel, I still think they are being very immature about things. I wrote them a letter, and of course my wife got yelled at for it because it arrived on my father-in-law's birthday (as if I planned it that way...., seriously?). They'll eventually have to face the music, especially if they're planning on seeing their second grandchild when he/she is born (some time off though... wife isn't pregnant yet).
That's about all I have for now. Let's hope things stay looking up.
I'm taking things slowly still. I'm still dressing, but still when my wife is out of the house. She knows about it, but it still makes her a little uncomfortable seeing it. However, she is getting better, as I had complained to her how I couldn't wear my bra out in public under my clothes because it showed. She recommended that I get a sports bra to wear in public. It was very nice of her to help me out. She's also looking at getting a bunch of purses and bags through some deal, and she told me she'll give me a few.
I took a step towards learning some new things, and emailed a hair salon recommended to me by another trans woman. Even though my transition won't start until 2015, I wanted to see if I could get sort of a neutral haircut, or maybe something cute/girly that I can do myself and get rid of easily when I go to work.
A lot of people know now what's going on. Most of my close friends know, and I haven't found any of them who don't support me. Some of my wife's family supports me/us. I still haven't talked to my in-laws for a month and a half now. While I understand how they feel, I still think they are being very immature about things. I wrote them a letter, and of course my wife got yelled at for it because it arrived on my father-in-law's birthday (as if I planned it that way...., seriously?). They'll eventually have to face the music, especially if they're planning on seeing their second grandchild when he/she is born (some time off though... wife isn't pregnant yet).
That's about all I have for now. Let's hope things stay looking up.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
slowly learning
So, I've taken a step back for the time being. Despite having started my transition therapy, I decided to wait a little while to actually start my hormone replacement therapy. This is only due to the fact that my wife is staying with me, and we both always wanted two kids. So, we'll wait until after Disney next December to try and get pregnant again. After we find out she's pregnant, then I'll start my HRT.
Until then, I'll be trying to get into the local trans* community, learning little bits and slowly starting to transition in mind. It also might not hurt to start getting a wardrobe together, but not too large, considering my measurements will likely change once I start HRT. We'll see what happens.
Until then, I'll be trying to get into the local trans* community, learning little bits and slowly starting to transition in mind. It also might not hurt to start getting a wardrobe together, but not too large, considering my measurements will likely change once I start HRT. We'll see what happens.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Been some time
Ok, so it's been a while since I updated my blog, having come out to my mom, then my wife, then my dad, and then her parents found out after we were just about ready to split up for good.
So, the day I came out, things were bad. But, my wife was convinced we could make it work. So we tried to make some compromises, even through suggestions my therapist made. At the end of that session, I felt like there was honestly a way to make it work.
We went on vacation up to her parents' camper, and everything was fine. No stress from work, no problems, no thoughts or anything. I thought perhaps it had gone away.
We came back, and that Monday morning, after a difficult night at work, the thoughts came back. My wife went to work, and I was up, even though I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, they'd returned stronger than last time. At that point, I was only thinking of the promise I'd made to my wife: that we could make this work without me transitioning. At that point... I almost gave up everything. Yes, I'd contemplated ending my life. For the first time in my life, seriously. The only thing that saved me: my 3 month old son. If he hadn't been in the house, I wouldn't be here. The thought of leaving him alone in the house for the rest of the day saved me.
Sometime during the day, my wife texted me asking if I was ok. I was honest, and told her no. Some four or five hours later, she'd come home from work, packed a suitcase, and packed up most of our son's stuff, said goodbye to me and my mom, and left. I was upset, but slightly relieved that I'd been honest with her.
The next day I had another therapy session. Only 3 hours before my session, my wife called me and asked if she would be able to come to it. Considering she was 2 and a half hours away in Jersey, I didn't feel too confident, but told her that yes, she could come if she could make it.
She didn't make it, but I went in and changed the time until later on. We went, and talked again to my therapist about some more compromises. I hoped again, but wasn't feeling confident.
A week or so later, (now we're up to July 18th), I had another session with my therapist, as my wife decided I should go and see if the hormones would be a fit for me, so we could see for sure if it would be the fix to the problem. When I was there, I acknowledged that part of me didn't want it to work, so I wouldn't lose my wife and son, but part of me knew it was the right fit. In short, my therapist told me I had to be honest with my wife.
When I was done, I called my wife and told her my decision. It was over. The inevitable was going to happen... or maybe not. Fast forward to last night, and my wife came home from work. We sat down for a little in the living room, sort of living life normally until things came to a close. We still love each other, and that was just what we had.
She looked at me as we sat on the couch, and asked if she could talk to me. I was uncertain of what, since we'd made up our minds about a lot. Then, it came. It was very unexpected, and I admit I was shocked. She'd been on a website at work, about non-traditional families, their experiences, and how their kids turned out. And, through that, she decided she was going to stay with me, even through transition.
I was so happy. My wife was my full supporter, and now more than ever. She is amazing. The journey will be rough, but I know she will be there for it. It just shows me how much she really loves me. I know my family is happy not to be losing her. Her family is.... well, probably not exactly positive right now. I know my friends will be happy once they find out. But overall, I'm happy. I get to be who I am, my wife is staying, I won't lose time with my son. Everything else can wait, but right now, I'm at an all time high ever since this whole thing started 12 years ago.
Here's to keeping the mood up!
MOOD: GREAT!
WINNER: EVERYONE (ok, mostly. at least Chelsea, wife, son, my family, my friends)
So, the day I came out, things were bad. But, my wife was convinced we could make it work. So we tried to make some compromises, even through suggestions my therapist made. At the end of that session, I felt like there was honestly a way to make it work.
We went on vacation up to her parents' camper, and everything was fine. No stress from work, no problems, no thoughts or anything. I thought perhaps it had gone away.
We came back, and that Monday morning, after a difficult night at work, the thoughts came back. My wife went to work, and I was up, even though I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, they'd returned stronger than last time. At that point, I was only thinking of the promise I'd made to my wife: that we could make this work without me transitioning. At that point... I almost gave up everything. Yes, I'd contemplated ending my life. For the first time in my life, seriously. The only thing that saved me: my 3 month old son. If he hadn't been in the house, I wouldn't be here. The thought of leaving him alone in the house for the rest of the day saved me.
Sometime during the day, my wife texted me asking if I was ok. I was honest, and told her no. Some four or five hours later, she'd come home from work, packed a suitcase, and packed up most of our son's stuff, said goodbye to me and my mom, and left. I was upset, but slightly relieved that I'd been honest with her.
The next day I had another therapy session. Only 3 hours before my session, my wife called me and asked if she would be able to come to it. Considering she was 2 and a half hours away in Jersey, I didn't feel too confident, but told her that yes, she could come if she could make it.
She didn't make it, but I went in and changed the time until later on. We went, and talked again to my therapist about some more compromises. I hoped again, but wasn't feeling confident.
A week or so later, (now we're up to July 18th), I had another session with my therapist, as my wife decided I should go and see if the hormones would be a fit for me, so we could see for sure if it would be the fix to the problem. When I was there, I acknowledged that part of me didn't want it to work, so I wouldn't lose my wife and son, but part of me knew it was the right fit. In short, my therapist told me I had to be honest with my wife.
When I was done, I called my wife and told her my decision. It was over. The inevitable was going to happen... or maybe not. Fast forward to last night, and my wife came home from work. We sat down for a little in the living room, sort of living life normally until things came to a close. We still love each other, and that was just what we had.
She looked at me as we sat on the couch, and asked if she could talk to me. I was uncertain of what, since we'd made up our minds about a lot. Then, it came. It was very unexpected, and I admit I was shocked. She'd been on a website at work, about non-traditional families, their experiences, and how their kids turned out. And, through that, she decided she was going to stay with me, even through transition.
I was so happy. My wife was my full supporter, and now more than ever. She is amazing. The journey will be rough, but I know she will be there for it. It just shows me how much she really loves me. I know my family is happy not to be losing her. Her family is.... well, probably not exactly positive right now. I know my friends will be happy once they find out. But overall, I'm happy. I get to be who I am, my wife is staying, I won't lose time with my son. Everything else can wait, but right now, I'm at an all time high ever since this whole thing started 12 years ago.
Here's to keeping the mood up!
MOOD: GREAT!
WINNER: EVERYONE (ok, mostly. at least Chelsea, wife, son, my family, my friends)
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sigh of relief
Well, it's finally over. I'm finally out, for real, for good. Chelsea has made her appearance, sort of.
I told my wife my decision, and despite the negative outcome, I'm relieved. I am finally able to be myself, and I can start my therapy and be on my way to hormones.
It's not going to be easy, obviously. I'm going to need to go look for a second job, what with child support, therapy, finding a place to live (possibly couch hopping), selling the house, and of course the ultimate end: divorce. I'm sure that'll be fun....
But, it's finally out. My wife knows, my in-laws know (or, ex in laws I guess. They weren't too happy.) My mom knew already, but my dad knows now. I'm gonna tell my brother soon (he's on his way over as I type.) I can start telling some more of my friends. I'm just so glad to be myself finally.
I told my wife my decision, and despite the negative outcome, I'm relieved. I am finally able to be myself, and I can start my therapy and be on my way to hormones.
It's not going to be easy, obviously. I'm going to need to go look for a second job, what with child support, therapy, finding a place to live (possibly couch hopping), selling the house, and of course the ultimate end: divorce. I'm sure that'll be fun....
But, it's finally out. My wife knows, my in-laws know (or, ex in laws I guess. They weren't too happy.) My mom knew already, but my dad knows now. I'm gonna tell my brother soon (he's on his way over as I type.) I can start telling some more of my friends. I'm just so glad to be myself finally.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Time
Well, it happened. I got my wish. Maybe subconsciously I knew that telling my mom would lead to her being upset and wanting to know. But, let me put it all out for you.
Again, recapping from Sunday: my mom watched my son for me for a few hours, and when she came back, I told her I was going to therapy for something that had been on me for 12 years now. No, it wasn't drugs, or drinking, or anything dangerous. No I wasn't gay (close to the mark though). I couldn't tell her. I just wasn't ready.
Monday: I called my mom at work to take care of something, and I could hear her tearing up on the other end. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared because she didn't know what was going on. So, I had to tell her to calm her down. Ironically, even though she wasn't fully prepared for it, she knew what was going on. (Shock number 1!) She seemed ok, but we talked for a while and I explained a lot to her.
Monday afternoon: my wife gets home, and she texts my mom to see if she can come over today (Tuesday) so we can pack for a camping trip that is supposed to start tomorrow (HIGHLY DOUBT THAT NOW). She said she'd try, which, to me was "I'm not ready to be there yet." I understood, but my wife, who is still blind to the situation, just thought it was an "I don't know." Well, then later Monday night, I had to call my mom to ask her (in front of my wife), and I luckily asked all the right things so my mom knew my wife was next to me. My mom was still crying (trying to process and understand everything), so my wife thought something was wrong. Well, I played it off that she'd had a bad day at work (which wasn't untrue).
Venture forth a few hours, and my wife started texting my mom to get details of what was wrong at work. My mom was very vague, and wouldn't tell my wife anything. Well, my wife, who is very close to my mom, thought it was suspicious that suddenly she was denied information about problems with my mom. (It is actually very unusual.)
So, when it all comes back to me, I'm sitting here, knowing my mom isn't doing so hot (which I understand, I've prepared for just about everything), and my wife is perplexed as to why this is.
Now, we're supposed to go on a four day camping trip, up in New York, with my wife's parents, who I am not all too keen on telling (I'm not exactly holding my breath for acceptance, though again, I could be surprised). And, to add weight to it, I've got the guilt hanging over me of my mom being upset. So last night, I called my buddy and made arrangements to stay at his house for a few days, JUST IN CASE I need to, and decided I was going to tell my wife today. So, she left to do some errands with our son, and I packed up the necessities in my car.
Just have to wait until she gets home, and then.... well, we'll see. I'm really hoping to be surprised, but I can't even begin to gauge what her reaction will be. Let's just hope it isn't too bad. I can handle getting kicked out, but there are some things that are worse.
MOOD: anxious, scared, stomach is twisting
Winner: ... to be determined
Again, recapping from Sunday: my mom watched my son for me for a few hours, and when she came back, I told her I was going to therapy for something that had been on me for 12 years now. No, it wasn't drugs, or drinking, or anything dangerous. No I wasn't gay (close to the mark though). I couldn't tell her. I just wasn't ready.
Monday: I called my mom at work to take care of something, and I could hear her tearing up on the other end. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared because she didn't know what was going on. So, I had to tell her to calm her down. Ironically, even though she wasn't fully prepared for it, she knew what was going on. (Shock number 1!) She seemed ok, but we talked for a while and I explained a lot to her.
Monday afternoon: my wife gets home, and she texts my mom to see if she can come over today (Tuesday) so we can pack for a camping trip that is supposed to start tomorrow (HIGHLY DOUBT THAT NOW). She said she'd try, which, to me was "I'm not ready to be there yet." I understood, but my wife, who is still blind to the situation, just thought it was an "I don't know." Well, then later Monday night, I had to call my mom to ask her (in front of my wife), and I luckily asked all the right things so my mom knew my wife was next to me. My mom was still crying (trying to process and understand everything), so my wife thought something was wrong. Well, I played it off that she'd had a bad day at work (which wasn't untrue).
Venture forth a few hours, and my wife started texting my mom to get details of what was wrong at work. My mom was very vague, and wouldn't tell my wife anything. Well, my wife, who is very close to my mom, thought it was suspicious that suddenly she was denied information about problems with my mom. (It is actually very unusual.)
So, when it all comes back to me, I'm sitting here, knowing my mom isn't doing so hot (which I understand, I've prepared for just about everything), and my wife is perplexed as to why this is.
Now, we're supposed to go on a four day camping trip, up in New York, with my wife's parents, who I am not all too keen on telling (I'm not exactly holding my breath for acceptance, though again, I could be surprised). And, to add weight to it, I've got the guilt hanging over me of my mom being upset. So last night, I called my buddy and made arrangements to stay at his house for a few days, JUST IN CASE I need to, and decided I was going to tell my wife today. So, she left to do some errands with our son, and I packed up the necessities in my car.
Just have to wait until she gets home, and then.... well, we'll see. I'm really hoping to be surprised, but I can't even begin to gauge what her reaction will be. Let's just hope it isn't too bad. I can handle getting kicked out, but there are some things that are worse.
MOOD: anxious, scared, stomach is twisting
Winner: ... to be determined
Monday, July 1, 2013
snowballs
Well oopsie doo...
So, yesterday, remember, I told you all that I told my mom I was in therapy but not why. Ok, so that was ok.
Well, today I had to call her at work (we work at the same place, but I work third shift on the floor, and she works first shift in the office). When I called, I could hear she was upset and tearing up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she couldn't handle not knowing what it was, because it was making her worry. I had reassured her I wasn't in danger, but fear of the unknown, you know?
So, I had to tell her. Yes, I came out to one of my Big 3. We talked for almost half an hour, and I told her everything. In short, she seems ok. She'll need time, but yes, she surprised me. I'm not sure HOW ok she is, but she seems ok.
So, why did I call this post "snowballs"? Well, you know how in the cartoons, a character pushes a little snowball off the top of the mountain, and by the time it gets to the bottom, it's the size of a bus? Yeah, pretty much my life right now. August 23rd is no longer possible. Because my mom was having a hard time not telling my dad that I was in therapy, she won't be able to keep this from him forever. So, next Friday, I'm gonna have to tell him. (At least I'll have a therapy session before it).
After that... well, it won't be long until I have to tell my wife. Because I think my mom will be ok, but I think my dad might treat me differently. So, that whole snowball analogy. Yeah. Not gonna be long until it crashes to the bottom.
MOOD: uh... wtf just happened?
Winner: Chelsea I guess. 'Cause Shawn's gonna be the big loser soon
So, yesterday, remember, I told you all that I told my mom I was in therapy but not why. Ok, so that was ok.
Well, today I had to call her at work (we work at the same place, but I work third shift on the floor, and she works first shift in the office). When I called, I could hear she was upset and tearing up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she couldn't handle not knowing what it was, because it was making her worry. I had reassured her I wasn't in danger, but fear of the unknown, you know?
So, I had to tell her. Yes, I came out to one of my Big 3. We talked for almost half an hour, and I told her everything. In short, she seems ok. She'll need time, but yes, she surprised me. I'm not sure HOW ok she is, but she seems ok.
So, why did I call this post "snowballs"? Well, you know how in the cartoons, a character pushes a little snowball off the top of the mountain, and by the time it gets to the bottom, it's the size of a bus? Yeah, pretty much my life right now. August 23rd is no longer possible. Because my mom was having a hard time not telling my dad that I was in therapy, she won't be able to keep this from him forever. So, next Friday, I'm gonna have to tell him. (At least I'll have a therapy session before it).
After that... well, it won't be long until I have to tell my wife. Because I think my mom will be ok, but I think my dad might treat me differently. So, that whole snowball analogy. Yeah. Not gonna be long until it crashes to the bottom.
MOOD: uh... wtf just happened?
Winner: Chelsea I guess. 'Cause Shawn's gonna be the big loser soon
Ideas
So, I got to do some thinking last night while at work. First off, I'm going to do weekly sessions with my therapist, because I'm somewhat impatient to get on hormones, and because it'll help me out with my next point.
My second point: why am I waiting to tell everyone? Yesterday, I told my mom I was in therapy. Could I have told her why? Probably. It would have been that easy. In fact, again, I could tell everyone. I'm just dreading telling my wife. But, to my point. Why am I waiting? Two of our friends have weddings coming up, and I was planning on telling my wife after the second one. Why? Would I look like less of a jerk (thinking from their point of view, not mine). So I wait until after the wedding? It just delays everyone from that wedding (of which we only know a few people anyway) from finding out until later. The downside is that my wife is a bridesmaid in the second wedding. So, I don't know. I'll be asking my therapist that next session.
I just want to have gone to enough sessions so I can look my wife in the eye and say "hey, listen, I'm transgender, and a therapist has diagnosed it, and we've talked about a lot." To tell her after only one session, I think she'd just say "sure you are," and be done with it. I just sort of wish it was August 23rd, so I could get this over with.
On the other side of things. I'm wearing my new outfit for the day (at home... for now). First off, I ten times over apologize to all the women I've said things about over the years for having their crack out. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND NOW!! The way these companies make jeans hug against your hips, you don't have much choice. Second, pockets? Wtf? 4 pockets on a pair a jeans, and none of them are remotely big enough to fit a cell phone, or keys, or even money. Now, I was told that that's why we buy handbags and purses, but still... I can fit my phone in one front pocket, my car keys in another, and my house keys/ reward tab thingys into another. My wallet (which will obviously be obsolete eventually) will not fit into a pocket. So, yeah, fun. LOL. I have a lot to learn.
Finally, on a last note, I'm still struggling to figure out a scenario where my wife is ok with everything, and we work things out. Unfortunately for her, my only compromise is I won't have bottom surgery. I will be going on hormones, and eventually be female full time.... We'll just have to see. Please, please please, days go by faster....
MOOD: good
My second point: why am I waiting to tell everyone? Yesterday, I told my mom I was in therapy. Could I have told her why? Probably. It would have been that easy. In fact, again, I could tell everyone. I'm just dreading telling my wife. But, to my point. Why am I waiting? Two of our friends have weddings coming up, and I was planning on telling my wife after the second one. Why? Would I look like less of a jerk (thinking from their point of view, not mine). So I wait until after the wedding? It just delays everyone from that wedding (of which we only know a few people anyway) from finding out until later. The downside is that my wife is a bridesmaid in the second wedding. So, I don't know. I'll be asking my therapist that next session.
I just want to have gone to enough sessions so I can look my wife in the eye and say "hey, listen, I'm transgender, and a therapist has diagnosed it, and we've talked about a lot." To tell her after only one session, I think she'd just say "sure you are," and be done with it. I just sort of wish it was August 23rd, so I could get this over with.
On the other side of things. I'm wearing my new outfit for the day (at home... for now). First off, I ten times over apologize to all the women I've said things about over the years for having their crack out. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND NOW!! The way these companies make jeans hug against your hips, you don't have much choice. Second, pockets? Wtf? 4 pockets on a pair a jeans, and none of them are remotely big enough to fit a cell phone, or keys, or even money. Now, I was told that that's why we buy handbags and purses, but still... I can fit my phone in one front pocket, my car keys in another, and my house keys/ reward tab thingys into another. My wallet (which will obviously be obsolete eventually) will not fit into a pocket. So, yeah, fun. LOL. I have a lot to learn.
Finally, on a last note, I'm still struggling to figure out a scenario where my wife is ok with everything, and we work things out. Unfortunately for her, my only compromise is I won't have bottom surgery. I will be going on hormones, and eventually be female full time.... We'll just have to see. Please, please please, days go by faster....
MOOD: good
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Some weight lifted
Just an update, I feel a little better. My mom watched my son for a little while today while my wife was at a bridal shower. When she brought my son back, we were alone, and I told her I was going to therapy. I didn't tell her why yet, and I wouldn't let her guess (for fear she might figure it out). In fact, I'm sure she knows it's a GLBT issue now that I told her.
I told her I've been dealing with it since high school. She asked me if I regretted anything, like having my son, or getting married. Of course I don't, and I told her. But I told her I wished I'd figured things out before college.
So, she knows I'm in therapy. She knows it's something I've had for a long time. And she also knows there's potential threat to my marriage. I told her I was more comfortable telling her (when I do) than I was my father. And that I'm terrified to tell my wife.
So... yeah, she probably has an idea of what it is. I told her it isn't drugs, or drinking, and that I'm not going to hurt myself. I just wasn't ready to tell her what it was yet.
MOOD: up a bit
Winner: Chelsea (for shopping, and for peaking out of the closet).
I told her I've been dealing with it since high school. She asked me if I regretted anything, like having my son, or getting married. Of course I don't, and I told her. But I told her I wished I'd figured things out before college.
So, she knows I'm in therapy. She knows it's something I've had for a long time. And she also knows there's potential threat to my marriage. I told her I was more comfortable telling her (when I do) than I was my father. And that I'm terrified to tell my wife.
So... yeah, she probably has an idea of what it is. I told her it isn't drugs, or drinking, and that I'm not going to hurt myself. I just wasn't ready to tell her what it was yet.
MOOD: up a bit
Winner: Chelsea (for shopping, and for peaking out of the closet).
Shopping trip 1 (cont.)
Here we go folks! Heading out for my first public shopping trip. I'm still a little nervous, but I'm gonna do this! I am who I am!! And Chelsea needs clothes! I'll update when I come back, and take some pics of what I buy. Wish me luck!
UPDATE!
So, I went shopping!! OMG, I spent 2 hours in 2 stores. I went to KMart, which of course was packed because, duh Chelsea, people go shopping on Sundays. Can't believe I forgot that. But, I shopped regardless. I was still a little nervous, and I'll admit, I stalled for a while. But, I tried on jeans, and a few tops, and a bikini! Granted, again, I have nothing to fill the top with. I could stuff it, but my face wouldn't be passable if every woman in the area had stubble on their face. LOL.
Then I went to Payless, which I was a little more nervous about, since there were people in the aisle with me, and the salesman wouldn't stop walking down my aisle. But I grabbed two pairs of shoes (buy one get one half off). They're so cute! (Eerie music plays- I've got the female shopping mind. Help us all!)
I went to a store to find a wig too, but their selection since I'd last seen them had diminished to either long, neon pink, long blond, or goth white/gray. So, I skipped that.
So, allow me to show you what I got!!
My bikini bottom, a sunset picture
My matching bikini top
The top I bought. It's not too girly.
Jeans! They fit pretty nicely (now all I need are some hips and a butt!!) Also, going to need a handbag or something when I wear those, because, WHERE ARE THE POCKETS!!! Women's jeans have no pockets! OMG! I could barely put my car keys in them!
Cute pair of shoes! They have a very slight heel (not sure what you call that).
Another cute pair, blue, to match my top!
So that's what I bought. Just have to get a small handbag to put my stuff in for my appointment, since, again, NO POCKETS!! No wonder women put their phones in their bras.
Until next time!
UPDATE!
So, I went shopping!! OMG, I spent 2 hours in 2 stores. I went to KMart, which of course was packed because, duh Chelsea, people go shopping on Sundays. Can't believe I forgot that. But, I shopped regardless. I was still a little nervous, and I'll admit, I stalled for a while. But, I tried on jeans, and a few tops, and a bikini! Granted, again, I have nothing to fill the top with. I could stuff it, but my face wouldn't be passable if every woman in the area had stubble on their face. LOL.
Then I went to Payless, which I was a little more nervous about, since there were people in the aisle with me, and the salesman wouldn't stop walking down my aisle. But I grabbed two pairs of shoes (buy one get one half off). They're so cute! (Eerie music plays- I've got the female shopping mind. Help us all!)
I went to a store to find a wig too, but their selection since I'd last seen them had diminished to either long, neon pink, long blond, or goth white/gray. So, I skipped that.
So, allow me to show you what I got!!
My bikini bottom, a sunset pictureMy matching bikini top The top I bought. It's not too girly.Jeans! They fit pretty nicely (now all I need are some hips and a butt!!) Also, going to need a handbag or something when I wear those, because, WHERE ARE THE POCKETS!!! Women's jeans have no pockets! OMG! I could barely put my car keys in them!Cute pair of shoes! They have a very slight heel (not sure what you call that).So that's what I bought. Just have to get a small handbag to put my stuff in for my appointment, since, again, NO POCKETS!! No wonder women put their phones in their bras.
Until next time!
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Shopping trip 1
I'm so excited! My credit card finally came in. Now, it's mostly just to pay for my therapy, since I'm pretty sure my insurance won't cover it.
But, I decided to build my confidence and go shopping for an outfit tomorrow. I'm not gonna go for something so girly. Probably a pair of jeans, a top, and some shoes. I'm not sure if I want to get a bra and some more panties, or maybe a bikini set. Of course, I've got nothing to show off up top. But it'd be nice to wear.
So, I'm gonna go shopping tomorrow, and walk in the women's section with my head held high, ignore the stares and whispers, go try on some stuff, and buy with confidence. I might go somewhere less packed, like KMart, but at least shopping.
So, wish me luck!!! Miss Chelsea's gonna buy some clothes, and make my therapist proud!
But, I decided to build my confidence and go shopping for an outfit tomorrow. I'm not gonna go for something so girly. Probably a pair of jeans, a top, and some shoes. I'm not sure if I want to get a bra and some more panties, or maybe a bikini set. Of course, I've got nothing to show off up top. But it'd be nice to wear.
So, I'm gonna go shopping tomorrow, and walk in the women's section with my head held high, ignore the stares and whispers, go try on some stuff, and buy with confidence. I might go somewhere less packed, like KMart, but at least shopping.
So, wish me luck!!! Miss Chelsea's gonna buy some clothes, and make my therapist proud!
Guilt
The last day or so hasn't been great to me. I've had a lot of guilt build up, mostly over future plans (having a second baby, going to Disney, etc. etc.). My stomach still twists every time something is mentioned. And given my coming out date, the closer plans are the ones that hurt the most: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd hate to tear my family apart, or worse, lose all of it. But, luckily, Chelsea... or rather, I am determined.
Erasing 27 years of Shawn isn't going to be easy. To take all that away: 27 years from my parents, 22 from my brother, 8 from my wife, and I even feel bad taking away 3 months from my baby. But I know who I am. Shawn was... Chelsea is.
I know it's right, because it can be done. It's like when you have a dream at night, and you wake up wishing it could happen. Knowing that it CAN happen is a wonderful feeling. Finally MAKING it happen is even better. I know this is going to cause a lot of hurt, but as my therapist told me: I spent 27 years making others happy. It's time for Chelsea to be happy.
The daydreams are wonderful, when I have them. Last night was more negative, thinking about D-day: August 23rd. The worst thing to hear right now: what a great husband/daddy I am. I'd hope to make a great mommy, if that'll be allowed once everything's out. We'll see. But yeah, hearing about what a great daddy I am makes me want to cry sometimes. I even asked my wife's boss to give her the 24th, 25th, and 26th off. Her boss thinks it's some kind of special surprise... (not sure if I put that in yesterday's post).
Another source of guilt is how perfect our marriage is, both to us and others. We are, to a lot of people, a great couple. That might all go away...
And finally, my last round of guilt is due to my daydreams. When I'm daydreaming about the future: about starting hormones, about a year from now, about becoming passable. When I daydream like that, none of them ever include my wife, and rarely include my son. I'm sure it's my negative attitude towards her reaction. I've been trying to practice some positive reactions, to get an idea of how living together might be, but it's difficult.
I'm just thankful for my support. I think I'll actually start doing therapy once a week, because even having gone these few days without it has been rough. My friends are helpful, and there to talk, but I've only got three who know, and putting everything on them isn't fair...
MOOD: Down, again.
Erasing 27 years of Shawn isn't going to be easy. To take all that away: 27 years from my parents, 22 from my brother, 8 from my wife, and I even feel bad taking away 3 months from my baby. But I know who I am. Shawn was... Chelsea is.
I know it's right, because it can be done. It's like when you have a dream at night, and you wake up wishing it could happen. Knowing that it CAN happen is a wonderful feeling. Finally MAKING it happen is even better. I know this is going to cause a lot of hurt, but as my therapist told me: I spent 27 years making others happy. It's time for Chelsea to be happy.
The daydreams are wonderful, when I have them. Last night was more negative, thinking about D-day: August 23rd. The worst thing to hear right now: what a great husband/daddy I am. I'd hope to make a great mommy, if that'll be allowed once everything's out. We'll see. But yeah, hearing about what a great daddy I am makes me want to cry sometimes. I even asked my wife's boss to give her the 24th, 25th, and 26th off. Her boss thinks it's some kind of special surprise... (not sure if I put that in yesterday's post).
Another source of guilt is how perfect our marriage is, both to us and others. We are, to a lot of people, a great couple. That might all go away...
And finally, my last round of guilt is due to my daydreams. When I'm daydreaming about the future: about starting hormones, about a year from now, about becoming passable. When I daydream like that, none of them ever include my wife, and rarely include my son. I'm sure it's my negative attitude towards her reaction. I've been trying to practice some positive reactions, to get an idea of how living together might be, but it's difficult.
I'm just thankful for my support. I think I'll actually start doing therapy once a week, because even having gone these few days without it has been rough. My friends are helpful, and there to talk, but I've only got three who know, and putting everything on them isn't fair...
MOOD: Down, again.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Eh... -57 days
Hey all,
It's been sort of a down day today. Thinking of some things last night, had a short talk with my best friend (@1 in the morning), because I let myself slip a little. I thought my friends would see me as a bad person if my transition caused a divorce, and he gave me reassurance.
No daydreaming of the future since last night when I left for work. Lots of anxiety though. Have to still act normal around everyone, especially my wife, and it's almost making me sick to my stomach talking about some things (like a second baby...). Very doubtful this is going to work out at this point. Maybe it's my mood, but I think I'm being more than realistic right now.
Everything is becoming more real by the day. I made sure my wife is working August 23rd @night, so I can tell my parents. Then I'll be telling her the 24th, but I asked her boss to give her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, since I don't really know how upset she'll be. I'll be asking my mom to take off that Monday too, just so my wife has some support. I just feel really crappy, because her boss thinks I have some big surprise for my wife. I do... just not that kind.
I'm not sure if my wife will tell her parents right away. She might go through some denial first, but I don't know for sure. I just know it's going to be a rough weekend, and I'll be mostly packed Friday night just in case. *crossing fingers* Hoping it goes better than I think, but unsure right now.
MOOD: Low
Winner for today: Shawn
It's been sort of a down day today. Thinking of some things last night, had a short talk with my best friend (@1 in the morning), because I let myself slip a little. I thought my friends would see me as a bad person if my transition caused a divorce, and he gave me reassurance.
No daydreaming of the future since last night when I left for work. Lots of anxiety though. Have to still act normal around everyone, especially my wife, and it's almost making me sick to my stomach talking about some things (like a second baby...). Very doubtful this is going to work out at this point. Maybe it's my mood, but I think I'm being more than realistic right now.
Everything is becoming more real by the day. I made sure my wife is working August 23rd @night, so I can tell my parents. Then I'll be telling her the 24th, but I asked her boss to give her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, since I don't really know how upset she'll be. I'll be asking my mom to take off that Monday too, just so my wife has some support. I just feel really crappy, because her boss thinks I have some big surprise for my wife. I do... just not that kind.
I'm not sure if my wife will tell her parents right away. She might go through some denial first, but I don't know for sure. I just know it's going to be a rough weekend, and I'll be mostly packed Friday night just in case. *crossing fingers* Hoping it goes better than I think, but unsure right now.
MOOD: Low
Winner for today: Shawn
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Confidence (-58 days)
Hello everyone,
I'm so glad I went to therapy. I've gained a lot of confidence overnight, oddly enough. I'm still not ready to tell my wife yet, but there are other reasons for that though.
My confidence has gone up considerably. There are still a lot of things that I'd like to improve with my life. Honestly, I thought I was happy, but I didn't realize there was stuff I could change about myself.
But, my confidence is definitely higher. I'd really like to go out shopping for some clothing, and actually not hide it, or try to do it quietly. I'm looking forward to it. But, must wait a bit. Things will happen in time. The term "day by day" couldn't be more true right now. It seems like every day takes forever to be over. 58 days until coming out.
I'm so glad I went to therapy. I've gained a lot of confidence overnight, oddly enough. I'm still not ready to tell my wife yet, but there are other reasons for that though.
My confidence has gone up considerably. There are still a lot of things that I'd like to improve with my life. Honestly, I thought I was happy, but I didn't realize there was stuff I could change about myself.
But, my confidence is definitely higher. I'd really like to go out shopping for some clothing, and actually not hide it, or try to do it quietly. I'm looking forward to it. But, must wait a bit. Things will happen in time. The term "day by day" couldn't be more true right now. It seems like every day takes forever to be over. 58 days until coming out.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Therapy Session 1
Oh, um, WOW. I feel... so much better. My first appointment with the therapist was this morning, and OMG, did she do wonders. We got to know each other a little, and we started diving into a few things. She asked how my transgender journey started, and I was a little hesitant, but once I got going I thought "she can't tell anyone anyway." And, she also told me that if I told her something, she'd heard it before... Challenge accep... no, no no no, not in therapy.
Anyway, we talked about trans stuff for a bit, and we got into talking about why I'm hesitant to come out. Turns out (and yes, this may not come as a shock to most of you) that I hard assertiveness issues. Well, I sort of knew that, but her telling me was like this big brick smacking me in the face. She told me that she already sees signs of that improving though, since I was assertive enough to come to therapy, even if just secretly. She also said that that's a sign I'm really sure about this, (which I knew), because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have come.
Let me tell you, I walked out of there, and I let out a big sigh. Just being able to tell someone who can say, "you know what, this could be why"... just, wow. She's very friendly, not your beard stroking, head nodding therapist. She gives lots of feedback, and tried challenging me to a few things. She also wrote down my coming out date (August 23rd), so I'm sure she's going to hold me to that.
And... one thing I'm excited about... she's going to call me Chelsea from now on. *punts Shawn to the side* "Beat it buster!" Sigh. I feel so good right now.
The one thing she challenged me with though, I told her I'd been working on a coming out letter to my parents. She said that, perhaps to work on my assertiveness, I should do it in person. It's a little uncomfortable, especially with my dad. I think my mom might be ok, my dad I can't gauge. But my therapist is right, if I'm going to be their daughter, why hide behind a letter? Tell them to read a letter, and say "hey, you can meet your daughter in 2 weeks"? I'd be annoyed too.
Going back in 2 weeks. Therapy feels so good. Until next time!
Anyway, we talked about trans stuff for a bit, and we got into talking about why I'm hesitant to come out. Turns out (and yes, this may not come as a shock to most of you) that I hard assertiveness issues. Well, I sort of knew that, but her telling me was like this big brick smacking me in the face. She told me that she already sees signs of that improving though, since I was assertive enough to come to therapy, even if just secretly. She also said that that's a sign I'm really sure about this, (which I knew), because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have come.
Let me tell you, I walked out of there, and I let out a big sigh. Just being able to tell someone who can say, "you know what, this could be why"... just, wow. She's very friendly, not your beard stroking, head nodding therapist. She gives lots of feedback, and tried challenging me to a few things. She also wrote down my coming out date (August 23rd), so I'm sure she's going to hold me to that.
And... one thing I'm excited about... she's going to call me Chelsea from now on. *punts Shawn to the side* "Beat it buster!" Sigh. I feel so good right now.
The one thing she challenged me with though, I told her I'd been working on a coming out letter to my parents. She said that, perhaps to work on my assertiveness, I should do it in person. It's a little uncomfortable, especially with my dad. I think my mom might be ok, my dad I can't gauge. But my therapist is right, if I'm going to be their daughter, why hide behind a letter? Tell them to read a letter, and say "hey, you can meet your daughter in 2 weeks"? I'd be annoyed too.
Going back in 2 weeks. Therapy feels so good. Until next time!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Happier
Well, since I'm at least out to a few people, myself included, I've already noticed a drastic change. I thought my life was happy, but now things are so much better. I'm more motivated at work, I've already noticed some bad habits disappear, and I feel more feminine already. Need to be careful though: I can't do too much of a drastic change, my wife might start to become suspicious, and it's not time to tell her yet.
But, my deadline is set. August 23rd, I will be telling my wife and my parents. I get a lot of butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I'm trying not to obsess about my transition, but its pretty much the only thing I think about full time. Granted, day to day tasks come first, but if my mind is open for something, it's thinking about my transition. The future, what possibilities hormones will do, when I'll get them, how my body will change, things I'll have to do (like shopping for a new wardrobe, dear God help me).
Which brings to mind a side note, which is pretty funny. One reason I know I'm trans is I've always been envious/jealous of girls. Mostly, because they get to be a girl and I don't. But they do have some annoying habits, which I laugh at because some of them I will have to start. Like shopping for clothes for 3 freakin' hours in one store. Or, all going into the bathroom at the same time (I'd be interested to find out why that one happens once I'm able to go full time, what a mystery). Among other things.
I am excited to start transition, I'm so sure of it I'd skip therapy if I could. But, at the same time, I'm not exactly educated on everything, so a professional will help. I'm sure there are things I'm not thinking of that I'll have the "oh yeah" moment on, and need some time to think about.
I've already been writing my coming out letter to my parents, and slowly perfecting it. I'd come out to them now, as it doesn't really bother me much. But, then they'd act differently towards me, and that would get Krystal suspicious. She's the only barricade I have right now. Once that dam is broken, the river can finally start flowing to the ocean.
UPDATE: First appointment tomorrow!!
But, my deadline is set. August 23rd, I will be telling my wife and my parents. I get a lot of butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I'm trying not to obsess about my transition, but its pretty much the only thing I think about full time. Granted, day to day tasks come first, but if my mind is open for something, it's thinking about my transition. The future, what possibilities hormones will do, when I'll get them, how my body will change, things I'll have to do (like shopping for a new wardrobe, dear God help me).
Which brings to mind a side note, which is pretty funny. One reason I know I'm trans is I've always been envious/jealous of girls. Mostly, because they get to be a girl and I don't. But they do have some annoying habits, which I laugh at because some of them I will have to start. Like shopping for clothes for 3 freakin' hours in one store. Or, all going into the bathroom at the same time (I'd be interested to find out why that one happens once I'm able to go full time, what a mystery). Among other things.
I am excited to start transition, I'm so sure of it I'd skip therapy if I could. But, at the same time, I'm not exactly educated on everything, so a professional will help. I'm sure there are things I'm not thinking of that I'll have the "oh yeah" moment on, and need some time to think about.
I've already been writing my coming out letter to my parents, and slowly perfecting it. I'd come out to them now, as it doesn't really bother me much. But, then they'd act differently towards me, and that would get Krystal suspicious. She's the only barricade I have right now. Once that dam is broken, the river can finally start flowing to the ocean.
UPDATE: First appointment tomorrow!!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Realization
Hello, and welcome to my blog. Chelsea here. That's not my name... at least, not currently. Someday, it will be. Someday...
So, why is my name not Chelsea? My birth name is actually Shawn. I won't give other details away, I don't need people coming to meet me. Those who know who I am are the only ones who need to.
Anyway, my birth name is who I have been for 20 some years. But that's not who I am. I'm Chelsea. I realized it about 2 weeks ago. FULLY realized. In high school, I would try on my mom's clothing after school. I lived in constant fear of being caught. But I never was.
When college came around, I stopped for a time, since I lived in a dorm with a roommate. I dated a bit, and met my wife in college. I struggled a little longer while dating her, but eventually I "grew out of it."
Fast forward, and we got married 2 years ago. We moved into an apartment shortly before that, and have a house for a year now. We also welcomed a baby 2 and a half months ago.
While in the apartment and house, I dressed while my wife was at work. It kept me happy, but I still didn't feel complete. I lived a happy life, and told no one about my secret. I tried figuring out what was wrong with me, and long story short, I stumbled upon a video of someone's transition from male to female. When I watched it, I broke down and cried. It was what I wanted.
I wish I'd figured it out years ago, before I brought my wife and child into this mess. But, I now know who I am, and what I have to do. I can no longer repress this part of me. I must be myself. I know not everyone I tell will be accepting, and I'm ready for that.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Maybe this week, maybe the second week of July. Once I'm ready, probably September, I'll have to come out. To my parents, to my friends, and most importantly, to my wife... I'm prepared for the worst, hoping for the best. Either way, my life is going to change.
I have some support. I know who's there for me. I just hope when I come out fully, some people will stick by me. I know whose support I want. We'll see what happens... First, to therapy.
So, why is my name not Chelsea? My birth name is actually Shawn. I won't give other details away, I don't need people coming to meet me. Those who know who I am are the only ones who need to.
Anyway, my birth name is who I have been for 20 some years. But that's not who I am. I'm Chelsea. I realized it about 2 weeks ago. FULLY realized. In high school, I would try on my mom's clothing after school. I lived in constant fear of being caught. But I never was.
When college came around, I stopped for a time, since I lived in a dorm with a roommate. I dated a bit, and met my wife in college. I struggled a little longer while dating her, but eventually I "grew out of it."
Fast forward, and we got married 2 years ago. We moved into an apartment shortly before that, and have a house for a year now. We also welcomed a baby 2 and a half months ago.
While in the apartment and house, I dressed while my wife was at work. It kept me happy, but I still didn't feel complete. I lived a happy life, and told no one about my secret. I tried figuring out what was wrong with me, and long story short, I stumbled upon a video of someone's transition from male to female. When I watched it, I broke down and cried. It was what I wanted.
I wish I'd figured it out years ago, before I brought my wife and child into this mess. But, I now know who I am, and what I have to do. I can no longer repress this part of me. I must be myself. I know not everyone I tell will be accepting, and I'm ready for that.
I'll be starting therapy soon. Maybe this week, maybe the second week of July. Once I'm ready, probably September, I'll have to come out. To my parents, to my friends, and most importantly, to my wife... I'm prepared for the worst, hoping for the best. Either way, my life is going to change.
I have some support. I know who's there for me. I just hope when I come out fully, some people will stick by me. I know whose support I want. We'll see what happens... First, to therapy.
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