So, I've taken a step back for the time being. Despite having started my transition therapy, I decided to wait a little while to actually start my hormone replacement therapy. This is only due to the fact that my wife is staying with me, and we both always wanted two kids. So, we'll wait until after Disney next December to try and get pregnant again. After we find out she's pregnant, then I'll start my HRT.
Until then, I'll be trying to get into the local trans* community, learning little bits and slowly starting to transition in mind. It also might not hurt to start getting a wardrobe together, but not too large, considering my measurements will likely change once I start HRT. We'll see what happens.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Been some time
Ok, so it's been a while since I updated my blog, having come out to my mom, then my wife, then my dad, and then her parents found out after we were just about ready to split up for good.
So, the day I came out, things were bad. But, my wife was convinced we could make it work. So we tried to make some compromises, even through suggestions my therapist made. At the end of that session, I felt like there was honestly a way to make it work.
We went on vacation up to her parents' camper, and everything was fine. No stress from work, no problems, no thoughts or anything. I thought perhaps it had gone away.
We came back, and that Monday morning, after a difficult night at work, the thoughts came back. My wife went to work, and I was up, even though I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, they'd returned stronger than last time. At that point, I was only thinking of the promise I'd made to my wife: that we could make this work without me transitioning. At that point... I almost gave up everything. Yes, I'd contemplated ending my life. For the first time in my life, seriously. The only thing that saved me: my 3 month old son. If he hadn't been in the house, I wouldn't be here. The thought of leaving him alone in the house for the rest of the day saved me.
Sometime during the day, my wife texted me asking if I was ok. I was honest, and told her no. Some four or five hours later, she'd come home from work, packed a suitcase, and packed up most of our son's stuff, said goodbye to me and my mom, and left. I was upset, but slightly relieved that I'd been honest with her.
The next day I had another therapy session. Only 3 hours before my session, my wife called me and asked if she would be able to come to it. Considering she was 2 and a half hours away in Jersey, I didn't feel too confident, but told her that yes, she could come if she could make it.
She didn't make it, but I went in and changed the time until later on. We went, and talked again to my therapist about some more compromises. I hoped again, but wasn't feeling confident.
A week or so later, (now we're up to July 18th), I had another session with my therapist, as my wife decided I should go and see if the hormones would be a fit for me, so we could see for sure if it would be the fix to the problem. When I was there, I acknowledged that part of me didn't want it to work, so I wouldn't lose my wife and son, but part of me knew it was the right fit. In short, my therapist told me I had to be honest with my wife.
When I was done, I called my wife and told her my decision. It was over. The inevitable was going to happen... or maybe not. Fast forward to last night, and my wife came home from work. We sat down for a little in the living room, sort of living life normally until things came to a close. We still love each other, and that was just what we had.
She looked at me as we sat on the couch, and asked if she could talk to me. I was uncertain of what, since we'd made up our minds about a lot. Then, it came. It was very unexpected, and I admit I was shocked. She'd been on a website at work, about non-traditional families, their experiences, and how their kids turned out. And, through that, she decided she was going to stay with me, even through transition.
I was so happy. My wife was my full supporter, and now more than ever. She is amazing. The journey will be rough, but I know she will be there for it. It just shows me how much she really loves me. I know my family is happy not to be losing her. Her family is.... well, probably not exactly positive right now. I know my friends will be happy once they find out. But overall, I'm happy. I get to be who I am, my wife is staying, I won't lose time with my son. Everything else can wait, but right now, I'm at an all time high ever since this whole thing started 12 years ago.
Here's to keeping the mood up!
MOOD: GREAT!
WINNER: EVERYONE (ok, mostly. at least Chelsea, wife, son, my family, my friends)
So, the day I came out, things were bad. But, my wife was convinced we could make it work. So we tried to make some compromises, even through suggestions my therapist made. At the end of that session, I felt like there was honestly a way to make it work.
We went on vacation up to her parents' camper, and everything was fine. No stress from work, no problems, no thoughts or anything. I thought perhaps it had gone away.
We came back, and that Monday morning, after a difficult night at work, the thoughts came back. My wife went to work, and I was up, even though I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, they'd returned stronger than last time. At that point, I was only thinking of the promise I'd made to my wife: that we could make this work without me transitioning. At that point... I almost gave up everything. Yes, I'd contemplated ending my life. For the first time in my life, seriously. The only thing that saved me: my 3 month old son. If he hadn't been in the house, I wouldn't be here. The thought of leaving him alone in the house for the rest of the day saved me.
Sometime during the day, my wife texted me asking if I was ok. I was honest, and told her no. Some four or five hours later, she'd come home from work, packed a suitcase, and packed up most of our son's stuff, said goodbye to me and my mom, and left. I was upset, but slightly relieved that I'd been honest with her.
The next day I had another therapy session. Only 3 hours before my session, my wife called me and asked if she would be able to come to it. Considering she was 2 and a half hours away in Jersey, I didn't feel too confident, but told her that yes, she could come if she could make it.
She didn't make it, but I went in and changed the time until later on. We went, and talked again to my therapist about some more compromises. I hoped again, but wasn't feeling confident.
A week or so later, (now we're up to July 18th), I had another session with my therapist, as my wife decided I should go and see if the hormones would be a fit for me, so we could see for sure if it would be the fix to the problem. When I was there, I acknowledged that part of me didn't want it to work, so I wouldn't lose my wife and son, but part of me knew it was the right fit. In short, my therapist told me I had to be honest with my wife.
When I was done, I called my wife and told her my decision. It was over. The inevitable was going to happen... or maybe not. Fast forward to last night, and my wife came home from work. We sat down for a little in the living room, sort of living life normally until things came to a close. We still love each other, and that was just what we had.
She looked at me as we sat on the couch, and asked if she could talk to me. I was uncertain of what, since we'd made up our minds about a lot. Then, it came. It was very unexpected, and I admit I was shocked. She'd been on a website at work, about non-traditional families, their experiences, and how their kids turned out. And, through that, she decided she was going to stay with me, even through transition.
I was so happy. My wife was my full supporter, and now more than ever. She is amazing. The journey will be rough, but I know she will be there for it. It just shows me how much she really loves me. I know my family is happy not to be losing her. Her family is.... well, probably not exactly positive right now. I know my friends will be happy once they find out. But overall, I'm happy. I get to be who I am, my wife is staying, I won't lose time with my son. Everything else can wait, but right now, I'm at an all time high ever since this whole thing started 12 years ago.
Here's to keeping the mood up!
MOOD: GREAT!
WINNER: EVERYONE (ok, mostly. at least Chelsea, wife, son, my family, my friends)
Monday, July 8, 2013
Sigh of relief
Well, it's finally over. I'm finally out, for real, for good. Chelsea has made her appearance, sort of.
I told my wife my decision, and despite the negative outcome, I'm relieved. I am finally able to be myself, and I can start my therapy and be on my way to hormones.
It's not going to be easy, obviously. I'm going to need to go look for a second job, what with child support, therapy, finding a place to live (possibly couch hopping), selling the house, and of course the ultimate end: divorce. I'm sure that'll be fun....
But, it's finally out. My wife knows, my in-laws know (or, ex in laws I guess. They weren't too happy.) My mom knew already, but my dad knows now. I'm gonna tell my brother soon (he's on his way over as I type.) I can start telling some more of my friends. I'm just so glad to be myself finally.
I told my wife my decision, and despite the negative outcome, I'm relieved. I am finally able to be myself, and I can start my therapy and be on my way to hormones.
It's not going to be easy, obviously. I'm going to need to go look for a second job, what with child support, therapy, finding a place to live (possibly couch hopping), selling the house, and of course the ultimate end: divorce. I'm sure that'll be fun....
But, it's finally out. My wife knows, my in-laws know (or, ex in laws I guess. They weren't too happy.) My mom knew already, but my dad knows now. I'm gonna tell my brother soon (he's on his way over as I type.) I can start telling some more of my friends. I'm just so glad to be myself finally.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Time
Well, it happened. I got my wish. Maybe subconsciously I knew that telling my mom would lead to her being upset and wanting to know. But, let me put it all out for you.
Again, recapping from Sunday: my mom watched my son for me for a few hours, and when she came back, I told her I was going to therapy for something that had been on me for 12 years now. No, it wasn't drugs, or drinking, or anything dangerous. No I wasn't gay (close to the mark though). I couldn't tell her. I just wasn't ready.
Monday: I called my mom at work to take care of something, and I could hear her tearing up on the other end. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared because she didn't know what was going on. So, I had to tell her to calm her down. Ironically, even though she wasn't fully prepared for it, she knew what was going on. (Shock number 1!) She seemed ok, but we talked for a while and I explained a lot to her.
Monday afternoon: my wife gets home, and she texts my mom to see if she can come over today (Tuesday) so we can pack for a camping trip that is supposed to start tomorrow (HIGHLY DOUBT THAT NOW). She said she'd try, which, to me was "I'm not ready to be there yet." I understood, but my wife, who is still blind to the situation, just thought it was an "I don't know." Well, then later Monday night, I had to call my mom to ask her (in front of my wife), and I luckily asked all the right things so my mom knew my wife was next to me. My mom was still crying (trying to process and understand everything), so my wife thought something was wrong. Well, I played it off that she'd had a bad day at work (which wasn't untrue).
Venture forth a few hours, and my wife started texting my mom to get details of what was wrong at work. My mom was very vague, and wouldn't tell my wife anything. Well, my wife, who is very close to my mom, thought it was suspicious that suddenly she was denied information about problems with my mom. (It is actually very unusual.)
So, when it all comes back to me, I'm sitting here, knowing my mom isn't doing so hot (which I understand, I've prepared for just about everything), and my wife is perplexed as to why this is.
Now, we're supposed to go on a four day camping trip, up in New York, with my wife's parents, who I am not all too keen on telling (I'm not exactly holding my breath for acceptance, though again, I could be surprised). And, to add weight to it, I've got the guilt hanging over me of my mom being upset. So last night, I called my buddy and made arrangements to stay at his house for a few days, JUST IN CASE I need to, and decided I was going to tell my wife today. So, she left to do some errands with our son, and I packed up the necessities in my car.
Just have to wait until she gets home, and then.... well, we'll see. I'm really hoping to be surprised, but I can't even begin to gauge what her reaction will be. Let's just hope it isn't too bad. I can handle getting kicked out, but there are some things that are worse.
MOOD: anxious, scared, stomach is twisting
Winner: ... to be determined
Again, recapping from Sunday: my mom watched my son for me for a few hours, and when she came back, I told her I was going to therapy for something that had been on me for 12 years now. No, it wasn't drugs, or drinking, or anything dangerous. No I wasn't gay (close to the mark though). I couldn't tell her. I just wasn't ready.
Monday: I called my mom at work to take care of something, and I could hear her tearing up on the other end. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she was scared because she didn't know what was going on. So, I had to tell her to calm her down. Ironically, even though she wasn't fully prepared for it, she knew what was going on. (Shock number 1!) She seemed ok, but we talked for a while and I explained a lot to her.
Monday afternoon: my wife gets home, and she texts my mom to see if she can come over today (Tuesday) so we can pack for a camping trip that is supposed to start tomorrow (HIGHLY DOUBT THAT NOW). She said she'd try, which, to me was "I'm not ready to be there yet." I understood, but my wife, who is still blind to the situation, just thought it was an "I don't know." Well, then later Monday night, I had to call my mom to ask her (in front of my wife), and I luckily asked all the right things so my mom knew my wife was next to me. My mom was still crying (trying to process and understand everything), so my wife thought something was wrong. Well, I played it off that she'd had a bad day at work (which wasn't untrue).
Venture forth a few hours, and my wife started texting my mom to get details of what was wrong at work. My mom was very vague, and wouldn't tell my wife anything. Well, my wife, who is very close to my mom, thought it was suspicious that suddenly she was denied information about problems with my mom. (It is actually very unusual.)
So, when it all comes back to me, I'm sitting here, knowing my mom isn't doing so hot (which I understand, I've prepared for just about everything), and my wife is perplexed as to why this is.
Now, we're supposed to go on a four day camping trip, up in New York, with my wife's parents, who I am not all too keen on telling (I'm not exactly holding my breath for acceptance, though again, I could be surprised). And, to add weight to it, I've got the guilt hanging over me of my mom being upset. So last night, I called my buddy and made arrangements to stay at his house for a few days, JUST IN CASE I need to, and decided I was going to tell my wife today. So, she left to do some errands with our son, and I packed up the necessities in my car.
Just have to wait until she gets home, and then.... well, we'll see. I'm really hoping to be surprised, but I can't even begin to gauge what her reaction will be. Let's just hope it isn't too bad. I can handle getting kicked out, but there are some things that are worse.
MOOD: anxious, scared, stomach is twisting
Winner: ... to be determined
Monday, July 1, 2013
snowballs
Well oopsie doo...
So, yesterday, remember, I told you all that I told my mom I was in therapy but not why. Ok, so that was ok.
Well, today I had to call her at work (we work at the same place, but I work third shift on the floor, and she works first shift in the office). When I called, I could hear she was upset and tearing up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she couldn't handle not knowing what it was, because it was making her worry. I had reassured her I wasn't in danger, but fear of the unknown, you know?
So, I had to tell her. Yes, I came out to one of my Big 3. We talked for almost half an hour, and I told her everything. In short, she seems ok. She'll need time, but yes, she surprised me. I'm not sure HOW ok she is, but she seems ok.
So, why did I call this post "snowballs"? Well, you know how in the cartoons, a character pushes a little snowball off the top of the mountain, and by the time it gets to the bottom, it's the size of a bus? Yeah, pretty much my life right now. August 23rd is no longer possible. Because my mom was having a hard time not telling my dad that I was in therapy, she won't be able to keep this from him forever. So, next Friday, I'm gonna have to tell him. (At least I'll have a therapy session before it).
After that... well, it won't be long until I have to tell my wife. Because I think my mom will be ok, but I think my dad might treat me differently. So, that whole snowball analogy. Yeah. Not gonna be long until it crashes to the bottom.
MOOD: uh... wtf just happened?
Winner: Chelsea I guess. 'Cause Shawn's gonna be the big loser soon
So, yesterday, remember, I told you all that I told my mom I was in therapy but not why. Ok, so that was ok.
Well, today I had to call her at work (we work at the same place, but I work third shift on the floor, and she works first shift in the office). When I called, I could hear she was upset and tearing up. I asked her what was wrong, and she said she couldn't handle not knowing what it was, because it was making her worry. I had reassured her I wasn't in danger, but fear of the unknown, you know?
So, I had to tell her. Yes, I came out to one of my Big 3. We talked for almost half an hour, and I told her everything. In short, she seems ok. She'll need time, but yes, she surprised me. I'm not sure HOW ok she is, but she seems ok.
So, why did I call this post "snowballs"? Well, you know how in the cartoons, a character pushes a little snowball off the top of the mountain, and by the time it gets to the bottom, it's the size of a bus? Yeah, pretty much my life right now. August 23rd is no longer possible. Because my mom was having a hard time not telling my dad that I was in therapy, she won't be able to keep this from him forever. So, next Friday, I'm gonna have to tell him. (At least I'll have a therapy session before it).
After that... well, it won't be long until I have to tell my wife. Because I think my mom will be ok, but I think my dad might treat me differently. So, that whole snowball analogy. Yeah. Not gonna be long until it crashes to the bottom.
MOOD: uh... wtf just happened?
Winner: Chelsea I guess. 'Cause Shawn's gonna be the big loser soon
Ideas
So, I got to do some thinking last night while at work. First off, I'm going to do weekly sessions with my therapist, because I'm somewhat impatient to get on hormones, and because it'll help me out with my next point.
My second point: why am I waiting to tell everyone? Yesterday, I told my mom I was in therapy. Could I have told her why? Probably. It would have been that easy. In fact, again, I could tell everyone. I'm just dreading telling my wife. But, to my point. Why am I waiting? Two of our friends have weddings coming up, and I was planning on telling my wife after the second one. Why? Would I look like less of a jerk (thinking from their point of view, not mine). So I wait until after the wedding? It just delays everyone from that wedding (of which we only know a few people anyway) from finding out until later. The downside is that my wife is a bridesmaid in the second wedding. So, I don't know. I'll be asking my therapist that next session.
I just want to have gone to enough sessions so I can look my wife in the eye and say "hey, listen, I'm transgender, and a therapist has diagnosed it, and we've talked about a lot." To tell her after only one session, I think she'd just say "sure you are," and be done with it. I just sort of wish it was August 23rd, so I could get this over with.
On the other side of things. I'm wearing my new outfit for the day (at home... for now). First off, I ten times over apologize to all the women I've said things about over the years for having their crack out. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND NOW!! The way these companies make jeans hug against your hips, you don't have much choice. Second, pockets? Wtf? 4 pockets on a pair a jeans, and none of them are remotely big enough to fit a cell phone, or keys, or even money. Now, I was told that that's why we buy handbags and purses, but still... I can fit my phone in one front pocket, my car keys in another, and my house keys/ reward tab thingys into another. My wallet (which will obviously be obsolete eventually) will not fit into a pocket. So, yeah, fun. LOL. I have a lot to learn.
Finally, on a last note, I'm still struggling to figure out a scenario where my wife is ok with everything, and we work things out. Unfortunately for her, my only compromise is I won't have bottom surgery. I will be going on hormones, and eventually be female full time.... We'll just have to see. Please, please please, days go by faster....
MOOD: good
My second point: why am I waiting to tell everyone? Yesterday, I told my mom I was in therapy. Could I have told her why? Probably. It would have been that easy. In fact, again, I could tell everyone. I'm just dreading telling my wife. But, to my point. Why am I waiting? Two of our friends have weddings coming up, and I was planning on telling my wife after the second one. Why? Would I look like less of a jerk (thinking from their point of view, not mine). So I wait until after the wedding? It just delays everyone from that wedding (of which we only know a few people anyway) from finding out until later. The downside is that my wife is a bridesmaid in the second wedding. So, I don't know. I'll be asking my therapist that next session.
I just want to have gone to enough sessions so I can look my wife in the eye and say "hey, listen, I'm transgender, and a therapist has diagnosed it, and we've talked about a lot." To tell her after only one session, I think she'd just say "sure you are," and be done with it. I just sort of wish it was August 23rd, so I could get this over with.
On the other side of things. I'm wearing my new outfit for the day (at home... for now). First off, I ten times over apologize to all the women I've said things about over the years for having their crack out. I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND NOW!! The way these companies make jeans hug against your hips, you don't have much choice. Second, pockets? Wtf? 4 pockets on a pair a jeans, and none of them are remotely big enough to fit a cell phone, or keys, or even money. Now, I was told that that's why we buy handbags and purses, but still... I can fit my phone in one front pocket, my car keys in another, and my house keys/ reward tab thingys into another. My wallet (which will obviously be obsolete eventually) will not fit into a pocket. So, yeah, fun. LOL. I have a lot to learn.
Finally, on a last note, I'm still struggling to figure out a scenario where my wife is ok with everything, and we work things out. Unfortunately for her, my only compromise is I won't have bottom surgery. I will be going on hormones, and eventually be female full time.... We'll just have to see. Please, please please, days go by faster....
MOOD: good
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