Some weight lifted

Just an update, I feel a little better. My mom watched my son for a little while today while my wife was at a bridal shower. When she brought my son back, we were alone, and I told her I was going to therapy. I didn't tell her why yet, and I wouldn't let her guess (for fear she might figure it out). In fact, I'm sure she knows it's a GLBT issue now that I told her.

I told her I've been dealing with it since high school. She asked me if I regretted anything, like having my son, or getting married. Of course I don't, and I told her. But I told her I wished I'd figured things out before college.

So, she knows I'm in therapy. She knows it's something I've had for a long time. And she also knows there's potential threat to my marriage. I told her I was more comfortable telling her (when I do) than I was my father. And that I'm terrified to tell my wife.

So... yeah, she probably has an idea of what it is. I told her it isn't drugs, or drinking, and that I'm not going to hurt myself. I just wasn't ready to tell her what it was yet.

MOOD: up a bit
Winner: Chelsea (for shopping, and for peaking out of the closet).

Shopping trip 1 (cont.)

Here we go folks! Heading out for my first public shopping trip. I'm still a little nervous, but I'm gonna do this! I am who I am!! And Chelsea needs clothes! I'll update when I come back, and take some pics of what I buy. Wish me luck!


UPDATE!

So, I went shopping!! OMG, I spent 2 hours in 2 stores. I went to KMart, which of course was packed because, duh Chelsea, people go shopping on Sundays. Can't believe I forgot that. But, I shopped regardless. I was still a little nervous, and I'll admit, I stalled for a while. But, I tried on jeans, and a few tops, and a bikini! Granted, again, I have nothing to fill the top with. I could stuff it, but my face wouldn't be passable if every woman in the area had stubble on their face. LOL.

Then I went to Payless, which I was a little more nervous about, since there were people in the aisle with me, and the salesman wouldn't stop walking down my aisle. But I grabbed two pairs of shoes (buy one get one half off). They're so cute! (Eerie music plays- I've got the female shopping mind. Help us all!)

I went to a store to find a wig too, but their selection since I'd last seen them had diminished to either long, neon pink, long blond, or goth white/gray. So, I skipped that.

So, allow me to show you what I got!!

 My bikini bottom, a sunset picture

My matching bikini top

 The top I bought. It's not too girly.

Jeans! They fit pretty nicely (now all I need are some hips and a butt!!) Also, going to need a handbag or something when I wear those, because, WHERE ARE THE POCKETS!!! Women's jeans have no pockets! OMG! I could barely put my car keys in them!

Cute pair of shoes! They have a very slight heel (not sure what you call that).

 Another cute pair, blue, to match my top!

So that's what I bought. Just have to get a small handbag to put my stuff in for my appointment, since, again, NO POCKETS!! No wonder women put their phones in their bras.

Until next time!

Shopping trip 1

I'm so excited! My credit card finally came in. Now, it's mostly just to pay for my therapy, since I'm pretty sure my insurance won't cover it.

But, I decided to build my confidence and go shopping for an outfit tomorrow. I'm not gonna go for something so girly. Probably a pair of jeans, a top, and some shoes. I'm not sure if I want to get a bra and some more panties, or maybe a bikini set. Of course, I've got nothing to show off up top. But it'd be nice to wear.

So, I'm gonna go shopping tomorrow, and walk in the women's section with my head held high, ignore the stares and whispers, go try on some stuff, and buy with confidence. I might go somewhere less packed, like KMart, but at least shopping.

So, wish me luck!!! Miss Chelsea's gonna buy some clothes, and make my therapist proud!

Guilt

The last day or so hasn't been great to me. I've had a lot of guilt build up, mostly over future plans (having a second baby, going to Disney, etc. etc.). My stomach still twists every time something is mentioned. And given my coming out date, the closer plans are the ones that hurt the most: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd hate to tear my family apart, or worse, lose all of it. But, luckily, Chelsea... or rather, I am determined.

Erasing 27 years of Shawn isn't going to be easy. To take all that away: 27 years from my parents, 22 from my brother, 8 from my wife, and I even feel bad taking away 3 months from my baby. But I know who I am. Shawn was... Chelsea is.

I know it's right, because it can be done. It's like when you have a dream at night, and you wake up wishing it could happen. Knowing that it CAN happen is a wonderful feeling. Finally MAKING it happen is even better. I know this is going to cause a lot of hurt, but as my therapist told me: I spent 27 years making others happy. It's time for Chelsea to be happy.

The daydreams are wonderful, when I have them. Last night was more negative, thinking about D-day: August 23rd. The worst thing to hear right now: what a great husband/daddy I am. I'd hope to make a great mommy, if that'll be allowed once everything's out. We'll see. But yeah, hearing about what a great daddy I am makes me want to cry sometimes. I even asked my wife's boss to give her the 24th, 25th, and 26th off. Her boss thinks it's some kind of special surprise... (not sure if I put that in yesterday's post).

Another source of guilt is how perfect our marriage is, both to us and others. We are, to a lot of people, a great couple. That might all go away...

And finally, my last round of guilt is due to my daydreams. When I'm daydreaming about the future: about starting hormones, about a year from now, about becoming passable. When I daydream like that, none of them ever include my wife, and rarely include my son. I'm sure it's my negative attitude towards her reaction. I've been trying to practice some positive reactions, to get an idea of how living together might be, but it's difficult.

I'm just thankful for my support. I think I'll actually start doing therapy once a week, because even having gone these few days without it has been rough. My friends are helpful, and there to talk, but I've only got three who know, and putting everything on them isn't fair...

MOOD: Down, again.

Eh... -57 days

Hey all,

It's been sort of a down day today. Thinking of some things last night, had a short talk with my best friend (@1 in the morning), because I let myself slip a little. I thought my friends would see me as a bad person if my transition caused a divorce, and he gave me reassurance.
No daydreaming of the future since last night when I left for work. Lots of anxiety though. Have to still act normal around everyone, especially my wife, and it's almost making me sick to my stomach talking about some things (like a second baby...). Very doubtful this is going to work out at this point. Maybe it's my mood, but I think I'm being more than realistic right now.
Everything is becoming more real by the day. I made sure my wife is working August 23rd @night, so I can tell my parents. Then I'll be telling her the 24th, but I asked her boss to give her Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off, since I don't really know how upset she'll be. I'll be asking my mom to take off that Monday too, just so my wife has some support. I just feel really crappy, because her boss thinks I have some big surprise for my wife. I do... just not that kind.
I'm not sure if my wife will tell her parents right away. She might go through some denial first, but I don't know for sure. I just know it's going to be a rough weekend, and I'll be mostly packed Friday night just in case. *crossing fingers* Hoping it goes better than I think, but unsure right now.


MOOD: Low
Winner for today: Shawn

Confidence (-58 days)

Hello everyone,

I'm so glad I went to therapy. I've gained a lot of confidence overnight, oddly enough. I'm still not ready to tell my wife yet, but there are other reasons for that though.

My confidence has gone up considerably. There are still a lot of things that I'd like to improve with my life. Honestly, I thought I was happy, but I didn't realize there was stuff I could change about myself.

But, my confidence is definitely higher. I'd really like to go out shopping for some clothing, and actually not hide it, or try to do it quietly. I'm looking forward to it. But, must wait a bit. Things will happen in time. The term "day by day" couldn't be more true right now. It seems like every day takes forever to be over. 58 days until coming out.

Therapy Session 1

Oh, um, WOW. I feel... so much better. My first appointment with the therapist was this morning, and OMG, did she do wonders. We got to know each other a little, and we started diving into a few things. She asked how my transgender journey started, and I was a little hesitant, but once I got going I thought "she can't tell anyone anyway." And, she also told me that if I told her something, she'd heard it before... Challenge accep... no, no no no, not in therapy.

Anyway, we talked about trans stuff for a bit, and we got into talking about why I'm hesitant to come out. Turns out (and yes, this may not come as a shock to most of you) that I hard assertiveness issues. Well, I sort of knew that, but her telling me was like this big brick smacking me in the face. She told me that she already sees signs of that improving though, since I was assertive enough to come to therapy, even if just secretly. She also said that that's a sign I'm really sure about this, (which I knew), because if I wasn't, I wouldn't have come.

Let me tell you, I walked out of there, and I let out a big sigh. Just being able to tell someone who can say, "you know what, this could be why"... just, wow. She's very friendly, not your beard stroking, head nodding therapist. She gives lots of feedback, and tried challenging me to a few things. She also wrote down my coming out date (August 23rd), so I'm sure she's going to hold me to that.

And... one thing I'm excited about... she's going to call me Chelsea from now on. *punts Shawn to the side* "Beat it buster!" Sigh. I feel so good right now.

The one thing she challenged me with though, I told her I'd been working on a coming out letter to my parents. She said that, perhaps to work on my assertiveness, I should do it in person. It's a little uncomfortable, especially with my dad. I think my mom might be ok, my dad I can't gauge. But my therapist is right, if I'm going to be their daughter, why hide behind a letter? Tell them to read a letter, and say "hey, you can meet your daughter in 2 weeks"? I'd be annoyed too.

Going back in 2 weeks. Therapy feels so good. Until next time!

Happier

Well, since I'm at least out to a few people, myself included, I've already noticed a drastic change. I thought my life was happy, but now things are so much better. I'm more motivated at work, I've already noticed some bad habits disappear, and I feel more feminine already. Need to be careful though: I can't do too much of a drastic change, my wife might start to become suspicious, and it's not time to tell her yet.

But, my deadline is set. August 23rd, I will be telling my wife and my parents. I get a lot of butterflies in my stomach thinking about it. I'm trying not to obsess about my transition, but its pretty much the only thing I think about full time. Granted, day to day tasks come first, but if my mind is open for something, it's thinking about my transition. The future, what possibilities hormones will do, when I'll get them, how my body will change, things I'll have to do (like shopping for a new wardrobe, dear God help me).

Which brings to mind a side note, which is pretty funny. One reason I know I'm trans is I've always been envious/jealous of girls. Mostly, because they get to be a girl and I don't. But they do have some annoying habits, which I laugh at because some of them I will have to start. Like shopping for clothes for 3 freakin' hours in one store. Or, all going into the bathroom at the same time (I'd be interested to find out why that one happens once I'm able to go full time, what a mystery). Among other things.

I am excited to start transition, I'm so sure of it I'd skip therapy if I could. But, at the same time, I'm not exactly educated on everything, so a professional will help. I'm sure there are things I'm not thinking of that I'll have the "oh yeah" moment on, and need some time to think about.

I've already been writing my coming out letter to my parents, and slowly perfecting it. I'd come out to them now, as it doesn't really bother me much. But, then they'd act differently towards me, and that would get Krystal suspicious. She's the only barricade I have right now. Once that dam is broken, the river can finally start flowing to the ocean.

UPDATE: First appointment tomorrow!!

Realization

Hello, and welcome to my blog. Chelsea here. That's not my name... at least, not currently. Someday, it will be. Someday...

So, why is my name not Chelsea? My birth name is actually Shawn. I won't give other details away, I don't need people coming to meet me. Those who know who I am are the only ones who need to.

Anyway, my birth name is who I have been for 20 some years. But that's not who I am. I'm Chelsea. I realized it about 2 weeks ago. FULLY realized. In high school, I would try on my mom's clothing after school. I lived in constant fear of being caught. But I never was.

When college came around, I stopped for a time, since I lived in a dorm with a roommate. I dated a bit, and met my wife in college. I struggled a little longer while dating her, but eventually I "grew out of it."

Fast forward, and we got married 2 years ago. We moved into an apartment shortly before that, and have a house for a year now. We also welcomed a baby 2 and a half months ago.

While in the apartment and house, I dressed while my wife was at work. It kept me happy, but I still didn't feel complete. I lived a happy life, and told no one about my secret. I tried figuring out what was wrong with me, and long story short, I stumbled upon a video of someone's transition from male to female. When I watched it, I broke down and cried. It was what I wanted.

I wish I'd figured it out years ago, before I brought my wife and child into this mess. But, I now know who I am, and what I have to do. I can no longer repress this part of me. I must be myself. I know not everyone I tell will be accepting, and I'm ready for that.

I'll be starting therapy soon. Maybe this week, maybe the second week of July. Once I'm ready, probably September, I'll have to come out. To my parents, to my friends, and most importantly, to my wife... I'm prepared for the worst, hoping for the best. Either way, my life is going to change.

I have some support. I know who's there for me. I just hope when I come out fully, some people will stick by me. I know whose support I want. We'll see what happens... First, to therapy.