Guilt

The last day or so hasn't been great to me. I've had a lot of guilt build up, mostly over future plans (having a second baby, going to Disney, etc. etc.). My stomach still twists every time something is mentioned. And given my coming out date, the closer plans are the ones that hurt the most: Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'd hate to tear my family apart, or worse, lose all of it. But, luckily, Chelsea... or rather, I am determined.

Erasing 27 years of Shawn isn't going to be easy. To take all that away: 27 years from my parents, 22 from my brother, 8 from my wife, and I even feel bad taking away 3 months from my baby. But I know who I am. Shawn was... Chelsea is.

I know it's right, because it can be done. It's like when you have a dream at night, and you wake up wishing it could happen. Knowing that it CAN happen is a wonderful feeling. Finally MAKING it happen is even better. I know this is going to cause a lot of hurt, but as my therapist told me: I spent 27 years making others happy. It's time for Chelsea to be happy.

The daydreams are wonderful, when I have them. Last night was more negative, thinking about D-day: August 23rd. The worst thing to hear right now: what a great husband/daddy I am. I'd hope to make a great mommy, if that'll be allowed once everything's out. We'll see. But yeah, hearing about what a great daddy I am makes me want to cry sometimes. I even asked my wife's boss to give her the 24th, 25th, and 26th off. Her boss thinks it's some kind of special surprise... (not sure if I put that in yesterday's post).

Another source of guilt is how perfect our marriage is, both to us and others. We are, to a lot of people, a great couple. That might all go away...

And finally, my last round of guilt is due to my daydreams. When I'm daydreaming about the future: about starting hormones, about a year from now, about becoming passable. When I daydream like that, none of them ever include my wife, and rarely include my son. I'm sure it's my negative attitude towards her reaction. I've been trying to practice some positive reactions, to get an idea of how living together might be, but it's difficult.

I'm just thankful for my support. I think I'll actually start doing therapy once a week, because even having gone these few days without it has been rough. My friends are helpful, and there to talk, but I've only got three who know, and putting everything on them isn't fair...

MOOD: Down, again.