So, we had my son's baptism on Sunday, and it went pretty well. We had it at a Catholic church, but my wife has no intention of staying at a place which does not accept our family (aka our future family).
Anyhow, it's getting rather difficult to deal with the in-laws, the direct ones anyway. I thought things weren't going too bad on Sunday, when they came over for a party afterward.
Now, before I tell you what was said, let me explain the relationship I have with my friends. I have a group of great friends, all of whom are very accepting of me. We are all like brothers and sisters. During the course of the party, I sat on my one female friend's lap, and another female friend, and a male friend and I made a sandwich on the couch. It's just how we are. We're all very comfortable with each other, and know that the love we have is sibling, not otherwise.
Well, come Sunday night, my sister-in-law is texting my wife, and tells her how "inappropriate" my behavior was, and how she would never stand for it if she caught her boyfriend sitting on another girl's lap. Well, I'm sorry you have trust issues (major trust issues btw, I wish I was kidding), but that's just the kind of friendship we have.
To sum up what she said, she basically told my wife that she should have been offended and told me to knock it off. Well, my wife didn't like that, and told her off. She hasn't heard from her sister since.
Then, the next morning, she is telling her mom how her sister acted, and her mom said that she and my father-in-law felt the same way. Well, my wife went off on her too, saying that it is our house, and our friends, and they cannot tell us how to act in our home.
I'm just about done with them honestly. You say nasty things about me, treat me like a criminal, and I still treat you like family, I am friendly towards you, I invite you to my home, and this is the thanks I get? Unbelievable. Well, their strikes are running thin if you ask me. If they say the wrong thing, they might never set foot in my house again, and I know how my wife feels about everything. They are stepping on shaky ground.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Reflections pt 2
I guess it's been a little while since I updated. I had meant to update only a few days after my last post, but things got busy. Since then, Thanksgiving came and went, and it's now December. I have to say, Thanksgiving went fairly well. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but we went to my wife's house for the holiday, and I wasn't feeling all too comfortable at first. However, my FIL and MIL were pretty cordial about everything. My SIL, well, she said some things to my wife that got back to me, but I'm starting to see that she has had a problem with me since before I came out. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised. But, those kind of people, well, they just need to face reality. Yes, the situation isn't ideal, but it's not going to change if she wants it to. Oh well.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Reflections pt. 1
So, it's been a little while since I updated, and not much has changed. Still going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, not expecting anything special from them.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
...
I wanted to rant about my in-laws again, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just upset, about what I'm doing to everyone. I was just on a transgender community website, one I've been using since I came out. Here's my post:
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Keeping up
So, things are changing again. My wife is going to Jersey this weekend to see her family, but then she has to be back by Sunday midday. We have to go to a baptism seminar, as our son is going to be baptized on the 17th (yes, of November). It's rather soon, but it was the only time my wife could have it done without it being close to Christmas (December) or chance the weather (January or February).
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Changes coming my way
So, yesterday my wife got a call from her mom, and said she wanted all three of us (my wife, my son, and I) to come out for Thanksgiving. This is a large step, considering they didn't want to see me or talk to me at all.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I'm glad they're taking a step towards accepting me (that's not going to happen this visit), but it's difficult knowing all the things they said about me, and the fact that they tried to get me and my wife to split up.
The other thing that bothers me is my sister in law. She made some pretty nasty accusations towards me after I came out, and I don't think I can forgive those. Not to mention, the relationship between her and I was a complete lie. To start, she told my wife right from the start that she thought my wife could do better, and then she felt uncomfortable around me. Then, she made accusations towards me (after I came out) that I was peeking in her room when she was in it and that I was looking through her laundry. Now that we're going for Thanksgiving, she told my wife that she will not be acknowledging me at all, pretending I'm not even there. At least my wife's parents are trying, but I don't think I will ever have a decent relationship with her sister, especially after everything she said.
That's all for now. We'll see how things go next month.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all. I'm glad they're taking a step towards accepting me (that's not going to happen this visit), but it's difficult knowing all the things they said about me, and the fact that they tried to get me and my wife to split up.
The other thing that bothers me is my sister in law. She made some pretty nasty accusations towards me after I came out, and I don't think I can forgive those. Not to mention, the relationship between her and I was a complete lie. To start, she told my wife right from the start that she thought my wife could do better, and then she felt uncomfortable around me. Then, she made accusations towards me (after I came out) that I was peeking in her room when she was in it and that I was looking through her laundry. Now that we're going for Thanksgiving, she told my wife that she will not be acknowledging me at all, pretending I'm not even there. At least my wife's parents are trying, but I don't think I will ever have a decent relationship with her sister, especially after everything she said.
That's all for now. We'll see how things go next month.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Ok, it's been some time since I last updated, so here's what's happening.
Things are great at home. My wife and I are officially staying together. It took some time for her to decide what she wanted to do, but she feels she can accept me as a woman just as much as she can a man. Our little guy is six months old, and growing taller by the day. He's a little behind on weight, but that's ok. As for me, I'm dressing around the house while my wife is away, but she allows me to wear pajamas to bed, and my underwear under my regular clothing.
I still haven't spoken to my in-laws since July. I'm actually not ready to talk to them about anything yet, so I'm okay with that right now. It still hurts to have been dropped so easily from "family." On that note, the rest of my wife's family has been pretty good. Two of her aunts support us, and her grandmother even went out and got books that her doctor recommended, and she supports us as well. In fact, she told my wife that she needs to let me change so this doesn't destroy me from the inside out. That was the sweetest things I heard that day.
That's about all for now. Kinda tired. Think I'll lay down for a bit and then get some more stuff done around the house.
Things are great at home. My wife and I are officially staying together. It took some time for her to decide what she wanted to do, but she feels she can accept me as a woman just as much as she can a man. Our little guy is six months old, and growing taller by the day. He's a little behind on weight, but that's ok. As for me, I'm dressing around the house while my wife is away, but she allows me to wear pajamas to bed, and my underwear under my regular clothing.
I still haven't spoken to my in-laws since July. I'm actually not ready to talk to them about anything yet, so I'm okay with that right now. It still hurts to have been dropped so easily from "family." On that note, the rest of my wife's family has been pretty good. Two of her aunts support us, and her grandmother even went out and got books that her doctor recommended, and she supports us as well. In fact, she told my wife that she needs to let me change so this doesn't destroy me from the inside out. That was the sweetest things I heard that day.
That's about all for now. Kinda tired. Think I'll lay down for a bit and then get some more stuff done around the house.
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