I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
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