Ok, so it's been a while since I updated my blog, having come out to my mom, then my wife, then my dad, and then her parents found out after we were just about ready to split up for good.
So, the day I came out, things were bad. But, my wife was convinced we could make it work. So we tried to make some compromises, even through suggestions my therapist made. At the end of that session, I felt like there was honestly a way to make it work.
We went on vacation up to her parents' camper, and everything was fine. No stress from work, no problems, no thoughts or anything. I thought perhaps it had gone away.
We came back, and that Monday morning, after a difficult night at work, the thoughts came back. My wife went to work, and I was up, even though I should've been sleeping. I couldn't sleep, they'd returned stronger than last time. At that point, I was only thinking of the promise I'd made to my wife: that we could make this work without me transitioning. At that point... I almost gave up everything. Yes, I'd contemplated ending my life. For the first time in my life, seriously. The only thing that saved me: my 3 month old son. If he hadn't been in the house, I wouldn't be here. The thought of leaving him alone in the house for the rest of the day saved me.
Sometime during the day, my wife texted me asking if I was ok. I was honest, and told her no. Some four or five hours later, she'd come home from work, packed a suitcase, and packed up most of our son's stuff, said goodbye to me and my mom, and left. I was upset, but slightly relieved that I'd been honest with her.
The next day I had another therapy session. Only 3 hours before my session, my wife called me and asked if she would be able to come to it. Considering she was 2 and a half hours away in Jersey, I didn't feel too confident, but told her that yes, she could come if she could make it.
She didn't make it, but I went in and changed the time until later on. We went, and talked again to my therapist about some more compromises. I hoped again, but wasn't feeling confident.
A week or so later, (now we're up to July 18th), I had another session with my therapist, as my wife decided I should go and see if the hormones would be a fit for me, so we could see for sure if it would be the fix to the problem. When I was there, I acknowledged that part of me didn't want it to work, so I wouldn't lose my wife and son, but part of me knew it was the right fit. In short, my therapist told me I had to be honest with my wife.
When I was done, I called my wife and told her my decision. It was over. The inevitable was going to happen... or maybe not. Fast forward to last night, and my wife came home from work. We sat down for a little in the living room, sort of living life normally until things came to a close. We still love each other, and that was just what we had.
She looked at me as we sat on the couch, and asked if she could talk to me. I was uncertain of what, since we'd made up our minds about a lot. Then, it came. It was very unexpected, and I admit I was shocked. She'd been on a website at work, about non-traditional families, their experiences, and how their kids turned out. And, through that, she decided she was going to stay with me, even through transition.
I was so happy. My wife was my full supporter, and now more than ever. She is amazing. The journey will be rough, but I know she will be there for it. It just shows me how much she really loves me. I know my family is happy not to be losing her. Her family is.... well, probably not exactly positive right now. I know my friends will be happy once they find out. But overall, I'm happy. I get to be who I am, my wife is staying, I won't lose time with my son. Everything else can wait, but right now, I'm at an all time high ever since this whole thing started 12 years ago.
Here's to keeping the mood up!
MOOD: GREAT!
WINNER: EVERYONE (ok, mostly. at least Chelsea, wife, son, my family, my friends)
It's awesome that she is willing to work it out with you but take it from a girl who as been there done that, When it comes to your transition there is no compromises to be made. She needs to understand a few things as well.
ReplyDelete1. You are 100% a Women and will be seen as a women in every day life.
2. If she is not comfortable with being with a Women, physically and sexually. She may not be happy.
3. There is no But... in Acceptance, (aka) I'll accept you as her but.. You can't tell this person or wear that or act like this, etc etc.
Me and my wife had our ups and downs, At first doing the same thing with trying compromises But in the end it just made things worse. My wife had to understand that i needed to just Be myself and have my body match what i felt like inside.. This means she had to understand that we would be seen as Lesbians and that she would be married to a women. she loved me from the start for who i am but she still needed time to adjust.