No no no, that's not what you think it means. I did not divorce and get remarried in less than a week.
No, it's me! I'm the new wife! Sort of.
My wife and I had a discussion over the weekend, and a good one finally. No yelling, some tears, and a lot of questions answered that we were both not wanting to ask.
But we came to middle ground. That means we get to stay married, and I get to be Chelsea. It's not all the time of course, but it's enough for me. She asked me not to go on hormones and fully transition, but is allowing me to be Chelsea, well... Not whenever I feel like it, because that would defeat the purpose of me not transitioning. Mostly, just being Chelsea whenever it isn't a risk to our lives, and some other times I need to be male too.
Like, obviously I can't go to the DMV as Chelsea, the picture wouldn't match. Work is off limits too, duh. As per my family, AND hers, we're going to take our time. My friends are very supportive, but family is a different story. I still have to tell my family, but we're waiting until after my son's first birthday. It might seem sort of selfish, but it's more for him than us. And I don't think people want to be at his party looking at me and having questions swim through their heads.
But, back on topic. I'm allowed to go out in public as Chelsea. I can go a lot of places as Chelsea. Eventually, I'll be going to my family as Chelsea. And, my wife doesn't care about this next one. Eventually, I'll go to her family as Chelsea. It's gotta start slow, but we'll get there.
I'm very excited too, because I have my first girls' day coming up. One of my close female friends is having me, Chelsea, over for lunch, and then we're going to go shopping. Sigh. It's nice to finally be one of the girls.
So yes, my wife is, by certain viewpoint, married to two people. But, it's the best of both worlds. She gets a husband who is there for her, to hold her and be strong for her, and a wife, who can really relate to her. And me, I get to keep my family and be myself. What a deal. Couldn't have asked for a better one.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
A lot of stuff
Well, it's been quite some time since I updated on here, so let me see what I need to update.
First, there's my in-laws. We... um, talked finally. About everything. It was not exactly brought up well. We were visiting for Christmas, and I had gone to bed already, only to be awakened by my wife telling me we were leaving... at 11:30 at night.
It started somewhat as an argument, some things were said that most people would say "screw this," and leave, but I wanted to show them that I wasn't going to stand for it. They still aren't too happy about everything, and I was told a lot of things, like how could I not want to be a father for my son, and how when my wife was growing up, my FIL dreamed of her having a husband, and a normal family. So, pretty much stuck to his old fashioned views. And my MIL told me I need to go to a normal therapist, because the transwoman at their campground (yes, apparently she does exist) told them that I am required to go to a normal therapist before starting transition. I think what they misunderstood that as was the required sessions before a trans person can get hormones.
Regardless, they think I have other issues that I'm interpreting as transgender.... Not sure what else could possibly be close to that, but ok. They also yelled at me for lying to them all this time, although I was also told that my relationship with them was not what I thought. No, we weren't family yet, we were "getting close." Yes, married for almost 2 years, with my wife for nearly 8, and we were "getting close." But, them lying to me all these years was not the same as my lie..... A lie is a lie. But whatever.
Minus the details, things were said, a lot of things people regretted. But, the next morning, my FIL told my wife and I that we would make things work for my son's sake.
Things at home are doing ok. My wife is still struggling a bit, we've had a few arguments. We're making some compromises, shy of me not transitioning. Might be waiting a little longer, and I'm giving a little bit at home, for a trade-off of possibly going out now and again as Chelsea until I transition.
Other than that, not much has changed on the topic of laws. Pennsylvania's lawsuit for same-sex marriage is coming up in June, and the state House will be looking at PA HB300 this year sometime, which will protect trans people at work, those who want a mortgage, and apartments, etc.
Guess we'll see what happens.
First, there's my in-laws. We... um, talked finally. About everything. It was not exactly brought up well. We were visiting for Christmas, and I had gone to bed already, only to be awakened by my wife telling me we were leaving... at 11:30 at night.
It started somewhat as an argument, some things were said that most people would say "screw this," and leave, but I wanted to show them that I wasn't going to stand for it. They still aren't too happy about everything, and I was told a lot of things, like how could I not want to be a father for my son, and how when my wife was growing up, my FIL dreamed of her having a husband, and a normal family. So, pretty much stuck to his old fashioned views. And my MIL told me I need to go to a normal therapist, because the transwoman at their campground (yes, apparently she does exist) told them that I am required to go to a normal therapist before starting transition. I think what they misunderstood that as was the required sessions before a trans person can get hormones.
Regardless, they think I have other issues that I'm interpreting as transgender.... Not sure what else could possibly be close to that, but ok. They also yelled at me for lying to them all this time, although I was also told that my relationship with them was not what I thought. No, we weren't family yet, we were "getting close." Yes, married for almost 2 years, with my wife for nearly 8, and we were "getting close." But, them lying to me all these years was not the same as my lie..... A lie is a lie. But whatever.
Minus the details, things were said, a lot of things people regretted. But, the next morning, my FIL told my wife and I that we would make things work for my son's sake.
Things at home are doing ok. My wife is still struggling a bit, we've had a few arguments. We're making some compromises, shy of me not transitioning. Might be waiting a little longer, and I'm giving a little bit at home, for a trade-off of possibly going out now and again as Chelsea until I transition.
Other than that, not much has changed on the topic of laws. Pennsylvania's lawsuit for same-sex marriage is coming up in June, and the state House will be looking at PA HB300 this year sometime, which will protect trans people at work, those who want a mortgage, and apartments, etc.
Guess we'll see what happens.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
No room for it
So, we had my son's baptism on Sunday, and it went pretty well. We had it at a Catholic church, but my wife has no intention of staying at a place which does not accept our family (aka our future family).
Anyhow, it's getting rather difficult to deal with the in-laws, the direct ones anyway. I thought things weren't going too bad on Sunday, when they came over for a party afterward.
Now, before I tell you what was said, let me explain the relationship I have with my friends. I have a group of great friends, all of whom are very accepting of me. We are all like brothers and sisters. During the course of the party, I sat on my one female friend's lap, and another female friend, and a male friend and I made a sandwich on the couch. It's just how we are. We're all very comfortable with each other, and know that the love we have is sibling, not otherwise.
Well, come Sunday night, my sister-in-law is texting my wife, and tells her how "inappropriate" my behavior was, and how she would never stand for it if she caught her boyfriend sitting on another girl's lap. Well, I'm sorry you have trust issues (major trust issues btw, I wish I was kidding), but that's just the kind of friendship we have.
To sum up what she said, she basically told my wife that she should have been offended and told me to knock it off. Well, my wife didn't like that, and told her off. She hasn't heard from her sister since.
Then, the next morning, she is telling her mom how her sister acted, and her mom said that she and my father-in-law felt the same way. Well, my wife went off on her too, saying that it is our house, and our friends, and they cannot tell us how to act in our home.
I'm just about done with them honestly. You say nasty things about me, treat me like a criminal, and I still treat you like family, I am friendly towards you, I invite you to my home, and this is the thanks I get? Unbelievable. Well, their strikes are running thin if you ask me. If they say the wrong thing, they might never set foot in my house again, and I know how my wife feels about everything. They are stepping on shaky ground.
Anyhow, it's getting rather difficult to deal with the in-laws, the direct ones anyway. I thought things weren't going too bad on Sunday, when they came over for a party afterward.
Now, before I tell you what was said, let me explain the relationship I have with my friends. I have a group of great friends, all of whom are very accepting of me. We are all like brothers and sisters. During the course of the party, I sat on my one female friend's lap, and another female friend, and a male friend and I made a sandwich on the couch. It's just how we are. We're all very comfortable with each other, and know that the love we have is sibling, not otherwise.
Well, come Sunday night, my sister-in-law is texting my wife, and tells her how "inappropriate" my behavior was, and how she would never stand for it if she caught her boyfriend sitting on another girl's lap. Well, I'm sorry you have trust issues (major trust issues btw, I wish I was kidding), but that's just the kind of friendship we have.
To sum up what she said, she basically told my wife that she should have been offended and told me to knock it off. Well, my wife didn't like that, and told her off. She hasn't heard from her sister since.
Then, the next morning, she is telling her mom how her sister acted, and her mom said that she and my father-in-law felt the same way. Well, my wife went off on her too, saying that it is our house, and our friends, and they cannot tell us how to act in our home.
I'm just about done with them honestly. You say nasty things about me, treat me like a criminal, and I still treat you like family, I am friendly towards you, I invite you to my home, and this is the thanks I get? Unbelievable. Well, their strikes are running thin if you ask me. If they say the wrong thing, they might never set foot in my house again, and I know how my wife feels about everything. They are stepping on shaky ground.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Reflections pt 2
I guess it's been a little while since I updated. I had meant to update only a few days after my last post, but things got busy. Since then, Thanksgiving came and went, and it's now December. I have to say, Thanksgiving went fairly well. I don't know if I mentioned it in my last post, but we went to my wife's house for the holiday, and I wasn't feeling all too comfortable at first. However, my FIL and MIL were pretty cordial about everything. My SIL, well, she said some things to my wife that got back to me, but I'm starting to see that she has had a problem with me since before I came out. To be honest, I'm not all that surprised. But, those kind of people, well, they just need to face reality. Yes, the situation isn't ideal, but it's not going to change if she wants it to. Oh well.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
I'm sort of drawing a blank on memories today, at least things that give me an "aha!" sort of feeling. I've never cared much for sports I suppose, as far as playing them. I suppose that doesn't really count for much.
One thing that does come to mind is bathrooms and gym. In middle school, we started what some kids dread, having to change for gym class. In my gym class, I was the only one who was terrified to be in my underwear in front of other guys. It wasn't like there were people there who were jerks either. I remember many of the guys telling me it was ok, and "we all have the same thing," as though to make me more comfortable. I suppose now it could have been a precursor of things to come.
Also, when middle school started, there were bathrooms that were shared by the whole school (in elementary school, for most of it, we had our own bathrooms for each grade. Well, I never felt comfortable using urinals. I always wanted to go into the stalls, and I would actually wait for one if I had to. One of my friends at the time was teasing me about it once, when he and I were in the bathroom at the same time. It makes sense now, I suppose.
I do remember in high school, if I was outside at night, I'd try the old wish on the first/brightest star thing, wishing to be a girl the next morning. Of course it never came true, but I guess I thought at the time it'd be that easy, and that my parents would just think they'd always had a daughter, and not remember their son. Boy, if only I'd taken care of things back then. It would have been so much more simpler, with fewer people involved. But, things work the way they do for a reason I suppose.
I think that's all I have for now. If memories pop up, I'll put them in my posts.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Reflections pt. 1
So, it's been a little while since I updated, and not much has changed. Still going to my in-laws for Thanksgiving, not expecting anything special from them.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
On another note, my wife's aunt is very supportive. Given the subject of Thanksgiving, she was texting my wife (her aunt lives in another state), and asked if she needed to tell my wife's little cousin to call me by a different name. Apparently, she already understands there are people who are different, and my wife's aunt was prepared to explain enough to her and tell her to call me a different name. It was quite touching.
Since there isn't a lot happening right now, I thought I'd start a little series in my blog about reflections. After starting therapy, and finally understanding what was going on with me, I had the chance to look back on everything that had happened since high school, and even a little bit before that. Being transgender got me thinking about everything that happened in school and college.
So, I'd like to share a few things that I observed, experienced, etc.
After having several conversations with my friends, there were a few things that were found before I even started dressing that make a lot of sense now. One thing started in middle school, when I began sitting "strangely," as put by some of my classmates. I admit it didn't bother me, but I was teased for sitting with my legs crossed like a girl. As I said, it makes sense now.
I also recall being a bit emotional about certain things, very pathetic things. This was just about when I started puberty. Of course, the most obvious observation I had was that I had mostly female friends up until mid-high school.
That's all for now. More to come, stick around for part 2.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
...
I wanted to rant about my in-laws again, but I'm not in the mood. I'm just upset, about what I'm doing to everyone. I was just on a transgender community website, one I've been using since I came out. Here's my post:
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
I hit a low today. I've been happy ever since I came out. The only time I wasn't was when I thought I wouldn't be transitioning. But that passed. My wife was staying, I was going to transition after we had our second child, it all seemed up.
Today, we had an argument. I guess I never realized how badly I treat her. I get mad at the simplest things, I guess I get mad in general, and I don't know why. I don't know why I get mad.... I tell her that it's because of this, or because she does that... But she doesn't get mad at me for simple things. I've always had a short temper, and I want it gone! I just want to stop being mad.
It got so low today, I broke down and told her that her parents and sister were right. That she never deserved me, and could have done better. I told her I was sorry for causing so many problems, not just the trans problems, but everything. I feel honestly that all the problems in our marriage are my fault. I get mad, I came out, I do things around the house, but not right, or not the right things. Sometimes I wish that I'd never brought her into this, like I'd never met her so she'd have a better life, or wish I'd never come out, so she wouldn't know. But that brings me back to a dark place, where I was before. Where I didn't have someone who loved me for me, who was willing to try and stick it out. Or to where I had to hide, where I was a person who couldn't exist in the world.
I'm down. My in-laws were right, that she didn't deserve me. I am so angry at them right now, for things they said, for what they think of me as a person. But thinking they're right... That she'd be better off somewhere else. Idk...
I don't want to go back to the darkness that was my former life. Taking away the solution, transitioning, would feel like having a winning lottery ticket, and having to burn it, then getting stabbed in the back. I know it isn't fair to her. I feel like no one can win anymore... Like we're all just going to lose eventually. Just a matter of waiting to see who loses, and how badly.
Sorry for the rant, or whatever it is.
So yeah, down. I haven't felt like this since August. I just don't want to go back to losing my ability to transition. But I don't want to put my wife through this. It's like, lightning never strikes the same place twice. Or how two people cannot exist in the same exact spot at the same time. Can't have your cake and eat it too. Chelsea and Shawn can no longer coexist. Yes, my name might still be Shawn, but someone in this body has to lose. And that means someone in our marriage has to lose, like I said.
I guess I'll be in this mood for a while. Last time I was here, it wasn't so good. Hopefully it doesn't last too long. Don't have a therapist right now to help me through it, and I can't ask my wife to help. That's not fair to her. Maybe I'll just do work around the house. Maybe it'll ease some of the pain. I do seem to get the most done when I'm depressed. Because there's nothing else at that moment....
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Keeping up
So, things are changing again. My wife is going to Jersey this weekend to see her family, but then she has to be back by Sunday midday. We have to go to a baptism seminar, as our son is going to be baptized on the 17th (yes, of November). It's rather soon, but it was the only time my wife could have it done without it being close to Christmas (December) or chance the weather (January or February).
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
That said, I checked with some members of the community site I'm on. My son is being baptized Catholic, as that is my wife's religion. Me, I'm not very religious, but I'm sure once I start transitioning, by opinion of some other people, it will not be met well. It doesn't bother me, but I can only imagine.
And then there's the thing of seeing my in-laws earlier than expected. It shouldn't be so bad, but the party after my son's baptism will have them and my family together. My family doesn't know, so we'll see how everything goes. I'm sure some people will want to discuss things, but it's really not the time, at least not yet.
Let's hope things go well.
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